The Importance of Letting Go - Chapter Seven

This is the seventh chapter in the series on Opening Your Hands - The Art of Letting Go. This chapter could be called, "How to Get Them Out the Door." It is about the need for our children to develop independence. It is for both the mom who can't imagine that her child should ever leave home and for the mom that wishes the child was ready to leave.

 I trust that you will be rewarded for the effort of reading. Take time to work through the questions at the end, slowly reading and pondering the truth in the verses. God's word will comfort and correct.

And Please read through to The Mother's Prayer at the end. Perhaps the pouring out of my heart to the Lord will help you to put into words the cry of your heart.

“'It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door. You step into the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to'” – Bilbo.

“‘I feel that as long as the Shire lies behind, safe and comfortable, I shall find wandering more bearable: I shall know that somewhere there is a firm foothold, even if my feet cannot stand there again’ “– Frodo The phrase “failure to launch” became popular after a movie by that title from 2006. In 2026 you can scan the internet for articles about the “failure to launch syndrome.” There are counseling programs and life skill coaches who cater to young people with this syndrome. The nostalgic idea that children grew up, got a job, got a spouse and got a mortgage (all before they turned 28!) is not the reality for many young people today. The reality that many men in their 20’s and 30’s are still living with their parents has been called “the crisis of the American male.” It has become such a statistical pattern that it received the attention of investors in real estate because of the potential it will have on home prices. The transition from childhood to adulthood is not easy, clear nor predictable. There are a host of reasons why. We can find blame in all the old familiar places. The economy has changed. Unemployment varies. Finding a good paying job is hard. A college education or home ownership is not always a potential for everyone. Families do not always live in community with extended families. There is seldom the expectation or option of joining the family business. Jobs and careers are more fluid. Societal pressures and dangers have caused many parents to feel the need to be helicopter parents. Technology encourages isolation which deters growth. Internet surfing expands possibilities so that the effect can paralyze the decision making process. Mental health issues have increased dramatically. And do we even need to mention the effect Covid-19 had on all of the above?  

So what is a parent to do who has opened her hands to let her children go but the child keeps clinging to them? Or refuses to leave the basement bedroom? 

Though it’s usually better to begin earlier than later, it’s never too late to communicate clearly. As you grow in your understanding that you are a steward and not the owner of your children, as you embrace your calling as a mom and resist seeing it as your identity, as you find joy in worshiping God and stop idolizing your children, be sure you are explaining this to your children. Let them know that God is a better parent than you will ever be. Help them learn to find comfort and provision and protection in him. More often than you talk about your family’s identity, traditions, or legacies, point your children to their identity as children of God. Explain to them that your family goes to church on Sundays rather than to the ballpark to see them play because only God is worthy of our worship. If need be, confess to your children your sin of possessiveness, selfishness and idolatry. 

Communicate expectations without burdening your children with a fear of failure. 

“We want you to do such and such and will do everything we can to see you succeed at it.” Encourage without unrealistic optimism. “You are capable of doing this, but it will require extra effort on your part.”. Reassure them without coddling them. “So you messed up this time. You’ve learned valuable things. Next time you’ll do so much better.” 

It is a balance. It requires wisdom. You do not want to communicate that the only acceptable plan is that a child must leave home on their eighteenth birthday, graduate from college and have a career job by the time they are twenty-two and married before their thirtieth birthday. Neither do you want to communicate the opposite - that there are no expectations. We have taken the idea of unconditional love to such an extreme it is often harmful to those we say we love.  “No matter what, I will be there for you.” “I can be counted on to get you out of any scrape you get into.” “I love you just the way you are. There is no need to change in any way.” These sentiments do not reflect biblical love. It was not love when David refused to confront Amnon with his sin (2 Sam. 13:1-22), or when he dared not displease his son Adonijah (1 Kings 1:5-7). David almost lost his kingdom by his inconsistent responses and his emotional demonstration of his “love” toward his son Absalom. (2 Sam. 13-18). It was loving when God sent a man to rebuke Eli - a priest who honored his sons above God by refusing to discipline them. (1 Sam. 2:27-29).

God our father- the perfect parent, perfectly wise, full of love and compassion- has disobedient, fallible, foolish and wayward children. He disciplines them because he loves them. And because He is wise,  he knows discipline is necessary to growth in holiness. 

“And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Heb. 12:5-11).

Love for one's child was never meant to be severed from a desire for the child’s growth. Godly love will never fail at wanting God’s best for the one loved. And for a child, that includes growing into independence and maturity. 

Independence. Not isolation. Maturity. Not perfection. Your children need to understand both your expectations and your realization that failure happens. You do not want to communicate that a child who is eighteen and not yet ready to be on their own, or changes jobs frequently or is single after thirty is a huge personal disappointment or permanently deficient. Down turns in the economy happen. Covid happens. Relationships end. Plans may change. Relating stories of your failures as you tried to navigate relationships, education, careers, and finances set a tone of realistic life prospects and grace. Model before them your trust in a sovereign God, your reliance on his word for strength and guidance. Take them to the gospel where our sinfulness meets Christ’s righteousness. Give them wisdom and grace. Speak the truth in love. It continues to come back to this balance. 

Growing up, my mother’s family read a chapter from the book of Proverbs every night at the dinner table. If anyone said the first three words of any proverb, my mom could finish it for you! She would acknowledge that those biblical instructions kept her from wandering far off the narrow way as she left the farm for a job in the city as a young woman. The Book of Proverbs was written to young adult children - sons who were old enough to get themselves in trouble with deceitful swindlers, violent gangsters or seductive women. Young men who needed to make decisions about careers and homes and wives. Our family did not copy the pattern of my mom’s, but we found ways to return to Proverbs often.  

Better than memorizing verses from Proverbs (though probably never a bad idea) is the practice of fearing the lord - where wisdom begins. Do your children believe that the whole essence of humanity is to “fear God and keep his commandments” (Ecc. 12:13) because they have seen you live like it is? Have they seen in you “an ecstasy of love and joy that senses how overwhelmingly kind and magnificent, good and true God is, and that therefore leans on him in staggered praise and faith”? (What does it mean to Fear the Lord? Micahel Reeves. Pg. 34). The fear of the Lord is taught with words and actions. 

Maturity is often a hard goal to realize while you are slowly progressing toward it. There are some big-picture evidences of maturity. Does my child have more concern for others than for herself? Does he make decisions based on the future rather than the present? Does she choose between the good and the better rather than the good and the bad? Does my child live by principles rather than rules? It may be helpful to think in terms of practical questions. Is my child developing organizational and goal setting skills? Is he learning to find answers to questions for himself? Does she know how to handle her own finances? Can he solve relational conflicts? 

Any parent will tell you it is hard to help a child move in this direction. I remember when my children were young, it was more work to ask them to put the groceries away than for me to do it by myself. It took twice the time and five times the emotional and mental energy. I would have to be with them the whole time explaining what went where, what was washed, what was put in the freezer, and what was broken down into smaller portions. And explain the whys for all of this in the midst of their complaints about how confusing this was. The next week I would have to do this all over again because an instruction was forgotten or there was a new item in the grocery bags. The same time intensive process was needed to learn to make a bed, do the laundry, schedule time for school assignments, and a host of other things that if I did it for them we would both be momentarily happier. 

I hated it when, way before spell check, I would ask my mom to spell a word for me and she made me look it up in a dictionary. How was I supposed to do that when my problem was spelling the word? And wouldn’t it save me a lot of time if she told me? Sadly, looking up the correct spelling of a word in a dictionary never did make a great speller out of me, (I love spell check!) but it did teach me I was capable of answering some of my own questions. Thank you, Mom. 

What is the most common question asked at a young person’s birthday party: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Not a bad question for parents to ponder more often than once a year on your own or with your child. What encourages/discourages them? What kind of learner are they? How do they respond to different levels of physical stress? What sets them off? What are they good at? How do they contribute to the family? Where do they demonstrate creativity and individuality? What are they interested in? What do they do well at and find enjoyment in? How has God wired them? What good works may God be putting in their path for them to walk in? (Eph. 2:10). Live in the present. Delight in your children for who they are now-at this age, in this stage, in this moment - but keep their eyes looking forward to who they will become. 

Learning to give your children age appropriate tasks and decision making responsibilities takes wisdom. When evaluating the actions of a child, my husband and I would ask, “How would this look if a twenty-something did this?” If it was “cute at two, troubling when twenty” we knew it was something that had to be addressed.  Remember when your two year old stubbornly refused your help with, “I can do it myself” only to cry a minute later, “Help me!”? For the rest of their lives we will live in that tension. They will demand to do something on their own that we know they are not ready for. They will want help with something that they must learn to do on their own including learning to fix their own mistakes. Grace and wisdom. For your child and for yourself. You will both make mistakes. You will both learn from your mistakes. Keep instructing while they are young. As they mature, learn to give advice only if you can do so winsomely. Keep loving. “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” (Eph. 4:15). 

One of the hard truths or tough love notions that your child needs to learn is that there will be negative consequences of not maturing in an appropriate way and time. Besides pointing out the joys of becoming an adult, it is good to point out the unsightliness of being an adult that acts like a child. There also will be a need to set reasonable time lines. When is it reasonable for your child to have a plan for life after high school, get a job, contribute to the family income if still living at home, pay for his own insurance and cell phone costs? You will want to be reasonable, but firm. Your child must know that your love for them is strong enough to insist they grow up. What are the consequences of stubbornly refusing to follow the plan and take steps toward independence? Often there are perks of living at home that can be gradually removed - being on the family cell phone plan, knowing the internet password, using the family charge card. Taking away good things from your child will feel like you are doing them wrong. Not paying for their car insurance or making their car payment may feel selfish if you have the finances and they don’t. Still, you know from experience that it is often in experiencing the hard things in life that we grow. Don’t make your child’s life so comfortable there is no reason for him to seek improvement. Clearly communicate. Make incremental changes. Applaud heartily when little steps are taken. Stand strong, but let your child know you love him enough to not allow him to not grow up.

“Our pilgrimage on earth cannot be exempt from trial. We progress by means of trial. No-one knows himself except through trial, or receives a crown, except after victory, or strives, except against an enemy or temptations.” Agustine

My first born’s first trip to the emergency room was when he was under three years old. We had been grocery shopping. I had his baby sister in her car seat carrier taking up most of the room of the grocery cart. My son begged to ride under the basket. I let him. And so I am ultimately to blame for his finger that got caught under the wheel of the cart. Screams of bloody murder bounced off the walls. Real blood splashed everywhere. I wrapped up his finger with paper towels from the deli, left there a cart full of a week’s worth of groceries unpaid for and raced to the ER. When you walk in the door with a baby in one arm and a crying toddler with blood all over his shirt in the other arm, you get seen right away. But when they took my son back to cut off his fingernail to release the pressure building up, I was not allowed with him because I couldn't bring my daughter into the procedure room. I stood outside the door holding her, crying along with the sounds of my son’s cries. What was I thinking? I should not have let him ride under the basket. He should not have begged me till I gave in. His childishness and my carelessness. Once the thumb was numbed, the thumbnail was off -were there stitches? I don’t remember-  and bandages applied, my son walked out as proud as could be with his big show and tell story. I walked out with another story. I had talked this over with God and had come to the peaceful resolution that I would never be a perfect parent. That I would always be making mistakes that could result in harm coming to my children. Even if I could guarantee that  they would never feel pain because of my actions, I could not shield them from all difficulties. I remember praying, “Lord, if it takes pain to help my child grow into the person you want him to be, so be it. Only assure me of your goodness and love.” It has taken pain. And many trips to the ER. 

Some lessons are not learned quickly. It has taken years for me to learn that my fear of having my children experience pain, conflict or woundedness fueled my passion to control circumstance and situation, made me respond in fearful anger to their foolish or sinful behaviors and undermine my faith - and theirs - in God’s wisdom and goodness. Putting my confidence in my ability to determine the outcome of anything is pitiful and an offence against the character of God. Only in the fear of the Lord can any one have strong confidence. Only in Him, will my children have a refuge. (Prob. 14:26). 

Even in the pain my children experience now, God is assuring me of his goodness and love. 

If you can not insist that your child has a plan for when he is walking out your door, it may be a good time to revisit the topic of letting go. Are your hands clenched around them because of your mistaken views of stewardship, calling and worship? Is your view of love distorted or disordered? I get it momma, these are your babies, no one knows them like you do. No one else knows how this child’s situation is different. But you’ve got to love them enough to let them go. Their heavenly father loves them more perfectly than you ever will, and he is sovereignly moving to fulfill his work in your child’s life. Do you really want to “get in his way?” Your heavenly father loves you too. He will not fail you. 

Thoughts to Ponder

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. Eph. 4:15

Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ.  For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me. Col 1:28,29

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. . .  Hebrews 12:1,2

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing. . . .   Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:2-4,12

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge,  and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. 

For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.2 Peter 1:3-11

1. What qualities do these verses say will be found in a maturing person? 
   

2. List the specific ways these verses describe how spiritual growth takes place.
   

3. Which of these has God used in your life to lead you towards maturity?

4. What is your role in this process? What does God promise?
   

5. What difficult things in your past produced growth in you?  Why are you afraid of seeing your child go through something difficult? How might you need to correct your idea of what love looks like?
   

6. What next steps does your child need to take toward maturity? How can you love them towards these? What positive and negative consequences can you put in place to encourage your child?

A Mother’s Prayer

I can not call you “Father”. Not right now. I am ashamed to admit that I do not trust you to hold on to my child if I really let her go. I feel like and believe that only I know her fully, that only I love her truly. I’m also comfortable with the way things are. It’s not ideal, but it is easier than rocking the boat. It seems like too much work to do things differently. Besides, I don’t want my child to leave home because I am full of many fears. Fear of losing her. Fear of my loneliness. Fear of her turning on me. Fear of the big ugly world out there. Mostly fear of her failing. I’m far from perfect. Why does she have to be? Can’t we just stay the way we are? Why can’t I decide what’s best for the both of us? 

Oh. Lord. God. 

What have I admitted? What a tangled mess of untruths! I am guilty of unbelief, wrongful accusations, prideful arrogance, selfishness. Even in my ramblings I have validated your love. Look at me! You know me at my worst. Yet you love me. You have come close to listen to me. And your kindness reproves me. 

Forgive me, Father.  

But now, O Lord, you are our Father;

    we are the clay, and you are our potter;

    we are all the work of your hand.

Be not so terribly angry, O Lord,

    and remember not iniquity forever.

    Behold, please look, we are all your people. Isa. 64:8,9

And help me, Father.  Help me love my children with the strength that lets them grow through pain. Help me love them as you have loved me, compassionately, patiently but firmly and with resolve for my good. 

Give me wisdom and grace. Help me to encourage my child to take the steps that you have laid out for him, even those steps will walk through paths of difficulties. 

Help my child. Give him a picture of a future of fruitful service for you that inspires. Help him see things from an eternal perspective. Wean him from foolish things that distract. Give him courage to take the next steps. Give him sturdy gospel boots for traveling. 

Help me trust you through it all, dearest loving Father.