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This is the second chapter in the series on Opening Your Hands - The Art of Letting Go.
The story I tell here is the story that began it all. This story will resonate deeply with moms who have just dropped off a child at college or just married one. I think it is still good ready for mom's of little ones. Don't let the emotion of that day catch you unaware. There is deep heart work to be done now.
I trust that you will be rewarded for the effort of reading. Please take time to work through the questions at the end, slowly reading and pondering the truth in the verses. God's word will comfort and correct. And Please read through to the prayer at the end. Perhaps the pouring out of my heart will help you to put into words the cry of your heart.
“Hold everything in your hands lightly; otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.”
Corrie ten Boom
“The world looks for happiness through self-assertion. The Christian knows that joy is found in self-abandonment.” Elizabeth Elliot
I’ve told this story many times before, and every time I put my hands out in front of me as if I am grasping the handle of a large shopping cart in Costco. Because that’s where I was and what I was doing when this story happened. Who knew that a significant life lesson could be learned in the popcorn and cracker aisle? So imagine with me - I am minding my own business with a long list of items I needed for Thanksgiving dinner, and I am in a get-in-and-get-out mood. Yes, you read that right. It’s the week before Thanksgiving. Those who know, know what Costco looks like. That’s probably why I didn’t notice my friend coming towards me until our carts were bumper to bumper.
This is a friend with a cheery, get-your-nose-out-of-your-list and smell the flowers type of personality. Her smile begs you to lighten up and her genuine concern creates a safe place between the pretzel bites and veggie straws. Before long I had forgotten all about my list, and I was telling her what was really bothering me.
A little history. Our children did not marry people from just around the corner. It meant that we, the married kids and/or their in-laws lived in different states. This makes family holiday gatherings something that must be carefully planned. Our first child married into a family that had already established a holiday pattern - every other year different in-laws would have the kids on the holiday proper. One year we would be hosts for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. The next year we would celebrate Christmas together but not have everyone home for Thanksgiving. Amazingly, the next three of our children to get married, all married into families that were able to adjust to our rhythm! Now that those families have had other children marry who have other siblings who are married, you can imagine the far reaching effect of this. The System can not be easily interrupted without the ripple being felt in a web across multiple states! As time has gone on, as families have grown and travel over Thanksgiving has become harder for teachers and students, the every other year celebration is officially a only Christmas rotation. For a dozen plus years it has worked.
Back to Costco. Another child had married the summer before. Because of The System we did not have the privilege of having the newlyweds with us on their first Christmas together. All was well. They lived only a few states away and we saw them more often than the in-laws who lived on the West Coast. Spending Christmas there was just and fair. But this Christmas, it was our turn. It was our fourth have-everyone-home Christmas and we had begun to build some pretty entrenched traditions. And this couple had now moved to the West Coast - thirty minutes from the in-laws. They saw the in-laws on that side weekly! Due to significant, very important, undeniable reasons, this couple could not come on Christmas Day. The fact that it had to be did not make it any easier. We even had everyone else that was coming agree to celebrate two days before or after Christmas, but the offer didn’t change the answer. “We can’t come.” It wasn’t their fault, but it felt very unfair. It would be another two years before everyone was together again. The in-laws would get them three years in a row! I was pouring out this story along with all my hurt as I clutched the handles of the shopping cart.
My friend pushed her cart up until we stood next to each other. If anyone else wanted down that aisle, they were out of luck. Something of great spiritual import was happening there. They would have to go around by way of the granola bars. She grabbed both my hands, turned them over and unclenched my fists. “You’ve got to have open hands,” she said. “Hands open with loving service and invitation. Not demands and possessiveness.”
Thank you, friend. I have never forgotten those wise words.
Open hands. A physical sign of love. The first necessity in letting go.
In future blogs we will discuss the things we hold to that makes letting go so hard. We confuse stewardship with ownership. We create an identity out of what is our calling. We turn from worship to idolatry. These are deeply ingrained heart realities we must uncover. We grasp onto children because we have fibrous falsehoods twisted in the core of our being. There is hard soul work to be done.
Before we get to work, can we ask: does Jesus understand how hard this can be? Yes!
The incarnate son of God took on flesh and dwelt among us, experiencing all our worries and sorrows, our temptations and trials, our frailties and limitations. He understands how hard it is for you to let go of your children. He understands the cost of loving more than anyone ever could. He knows he has asked you to do what feels like an impossibility. He knows you feel that opening your hands will leave you empty handed.
Jesus had to leave his mother, probably a widow at that time, to carry out the ministry given him by his heavenly father. Tenderly, as he was dying he gave his mom to a beloved friend to assume his role as her son. When it was time to leave his disciples in whom he had poured his life into for three years, he talked to his heavenly Father about this significant moment. We have it recorded as the high priestly prayer of Jesus in John 17. Innumerable sermon series and books have been written about this prayer. It is a treasure we have been given to see the heart of our savior.
It is ever so much more than a way to help a mother understand how to let her children go. However, using the argument of A maiore ad minus: from the greater to the lesser, I do believe we can begin to tease out some general principles helpful to mothers wanting to know how to open their hands.
Jesus knew there was an end date to his face-to-face relationship with his disciples.
Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (John 17:1)
When we brought our first child home from the hospital and laid him in the carefully prepared crib we looked at each other and said, “Now what?” We had expended so much energy getting to that point, we were quite overwhelmed with thinking about the next moment let alone the next eighteen years. Parenting must be done a day at a time, perhaps a moment at a time. Wisdom would tell us that every now and then we should look up from diapers and crumbs, laundry and homework, relational heart aches and challenges. We should look past goofy smiles and laughter, next steps and milestones, accomplishments and victories. We need to remind ourselves there is an end date and a goal: to love them to the end. To love them well so that we can let them go.
Jesus knew his disciples were entrusted to him from God.
Yours they were, and you gave them to me. (17:6)
It is hard to let go of someone when you assume you own them. Gifts from God are to be held in open hands. Parents are called to be stewards, not owners. We do not know when the year, day or hour will come that our children will leave our care. It is usually as they turn eighteen. But not always. We do know that the Lord knows every detail. In his book every day of our children’s lives has already been written. (Psalm 139:16). Including the day you will let them go. Remember, you are only the Lord’s steward of your children for the length of time he knows is best for them - and for you. It is a helpful practice to remind yourself that your children belong to the Lord.
Jesus accomplished all his father’s will though seemingly he left many things undone.
I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. (17:4)
Did Jesus heal every sick person who lived in Israel? Did anyone go hungry during the course of his ministry? Why, his own disciples didn’t understand the true purpose for his coming - even getting it wrong on the day he ascended into heaven! Jesus did all his father’s will, but he did not do all that could have been done. Much good work was left undone. He was in constant communication with his father about where to go and what to do.
He did not bring glory to God by doing everything possible, he glorified God by doing all that was asked of him.
Because you are only a steward and only for a season, the Lord does not expect you to be the sole superintendent of your children’s growth or sanctification. You can not be everything for them. When they leave your care, you will be very aware of the things you didn’t talk about. The character flaws that still exist. The life lessons that have not been learned. Even God’s perfect son left his disciples with much to learn! How much more does God know that as sinful fallen parents we will not do our job perfectly.
If my children were to major in something other than liberal arts, the Lord was going to have to bring other mentors into their lives. They did and God did. If my children were going to learn to worry less than I did, the Lord was going to have to surround them with people of great faith. They did and God did. He is faithful to complete the work He has begun in them. (Phil 1:6). That was never your responsibility. Parents are not asked to be the Holy Spirit in their children’s lives. They are not asked to be the fount of all wisdom about every discipline of study or practical knowhow. God has asked you to bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of who he is.
God will finish what he has asked you to begin.
Jesus taught his disciples to put their trust in God.
Now they know that everything that you have given me is from you. For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me. I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them. (John 17:7,8,26)
As mothers redeemed by grace, we point our children to their heavenly father who is worthy of their trust. We tell them stories of God’s faithfulness and power and wisdom. We make much of Him. We live like we know God loves us. We live the gospel before our children. Do your children know that everything you have, every good you do, every positive thing about you - is given you from God? If so, you have taught your children well. Do your children know that you go to the word of God for comfort, truth, and guidance? If so, you have taught your children well. Do your children know your greatest aim is to showcase the glory and mercy of God? If so, you have taught them well. If your children have been pointed to Jesus, it is easier to let them go.
Jesus prayed for his disciples.
I am praying for them. Holy Father, keep them in your name, keep them from the evil one Sanctify them. (17:9)
Mothers who accept their limitations and know the Lord’s trustworthiness will pray for their children. Prayer is the practice of dependent people. Prayer is the practice of mothers who know they do not have all the answers or have all the resources and energy and wisdom to raise a child.
Prayer is a pouring out of your heart to God, and unburdening of your heart to the one who never slumbers, who is wise and good, who loves your children more than you do.
Prayer is asking God to do his good will in and through your children. Praying for your children when they are young teaches you to pray for them when they are grown. Praying for my children has probably been the reason why God helped me open my hands when it was time to let go. I had already learned to trust him over many years of little letting goes. Praying for your children is a practice in letting them go because in prayer you are reminded again and again that they are not your own, you can not do everything for them, and that they as well as you are dependent on a loving heavenly father.
Being a full-fledged empty nester, I am rarely in Costco anymore. If I am, it is probably before a holiday gathering that is at our house. I still think about my friend as I push a cart through crowded aisles. The Lord has done a wonderful work in my heart. My hands are open more often than they are closed. He has filled those open hands with so much good. Good work to do for him. Good relationships with my adult children. Good times of quietness and peace.
Thoughts to Ponder
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God . . . .Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6,7
What is the connection between humility and anxiety? Why does humility come before casting?
What are you anxious about today? What are you holding tightly in your hands and refusing to let go?
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going. Ecc. 9:10
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Cor. 15:10
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands! Psalm 90:17
Why is work an important part of our life here on earth?
What is the relationship between our work and the grace of God?
What has God put in your hands at this stage of your life? What might he be directing you to do with your time, talents and finances?
Do not be anxious about anything,but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phil. 4:6
What is the connection between prayer and anxiety?
How could you improve in praying for your adult children more intentionally?
A Mother’s Prayer
Loving Heavenly Father,
You let go of your son, your beloved son. You let him go- sent him - to our sin drenched world to be misunderstood and scorned. You let him go to the cross to be humiliated and to die the worst death ever. You even turned your back on him. Him who had been your daily delight. We read of his anguish. I have not thought of yours. You let go of him so you could embrace me. Oh what love!
Your son returned to you when his work was finished. He, the perfect one, did not try to do everything that could have been done. He accomplished all your will and was satisfied that was enough.
His satisfaction is in such contrast to my discontentment.
Your open hands are in such contrast to my tight fisted ones desperately holding on to my dreams and desires and demands. Holding on because I think I deserve something I have not yet been given. Holding on because I am afraid to let go, unsure of what will happen to me and all that I hope for and those that I love.
My hands hurt from the holding. My arms ache. I am tired. I am not pleasant to be around. Those that are experiencing my intense grip are confused and sore. We are all in need of your mercy.
Oh how I long to feel your arms around me and your hands guiding me. Makes these truths real to me.
The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deut. 33:7
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
Psalm 139: 8-10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8
When I open my hands, assure me you will hold them, comfort me and give me useful work to do with them. Do not let me go.
“You have called me to open my hand so that You can fill it. But I would not open my hand. I held the world tightly and kept my hand shut. I would not let it go. But, please God, open my hand for me. And do not only open my hand, but also open my mouth. And not only my mouth, but my heart also. Grant that I may know nothing but You, that I may count everything as loss compared to You, and that I may strive to be conformed to You.”—Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667)