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This is the sixth chapter in the series on Opening Your Hands - The Art of Letting Go. A new year can encourage us to begin again. If God's mercies are new every morning, surely there is mercy enough to help us in our resovled to love our chilren well. And that will mean, preparing ourselves and them for the time we must let them leave the nest and find God as their true and eternal dwelling place.
I trust that you will be rewarded for the effort of reading. Take time to work through the questions at the end, slowly reading and pondering the truth in the verses. God's word will comfort and correct.
And Please read through to The Mother's Prayer at the end. Perhaps the pouring out of my heart to the Lord will help you to put into words the cry of your heart. “What are arrows for but to shoot? So with the strong arms of prayer, draw the bowstring back and let the arrows fly - all of them - straight at the enemy’s host.”
-Jim Elliot to his parents re: Psalm 127:4
I remember watching several rocket launches in my grade school classrooms in the 60’s. The teacher would roll in a cart with a TV on top, maybe 28” in diameter. The first launches were all in black and white. Count downs were called out ". . . 10. . .9 . . 8. . . .7. . . ."
Such excitement! History in the making!
I have read several things about launching our children into adulthood. There are great images in the word, launching. It is very forward thinking. It assumes the careful planning of a large NASA team. Compared to that, “letting go” feels like an accidental dropping of something. I’m sticking with “letting go” because of the Costco incident about open hands, but I want you to know "letting go" is anything but accidental, and we are definitely not dropping our children on their heads! Letting go does not mean abandonment. But it does mean learning to love and teach from a growing distance.
We’ve already acknowledged that there are many letting-goes in mothering. At each instance we learn a little bit more about what it means to entrust our children to their heavenly Father. Each one handled well makes us stronger for the next one. This is how God usually works his sanctifying grace in our lives, we go from strength to strength.
The phrase “From strength to strength” comes from Psalm 84.
My husband and I chose a verse or passage of scripture for each of our children before they were born based on the meaning of their name. Psalm 84 belongs to one of our sons.
I love it for that reason. I also love it because it is called the Psalm of the Doorkeeper and my father was a church custodian who had keys to all the doors and was always singing God’s praise. But most of all I love it because it recognizes the reality of the deep seated longing for a home that we will only fully experience when we are finally in the dwelling place of God. It is one of the Songs Of Accent, sung by the people of God as they walked up to Jerusalem. It seems a rather appropriate Psalm to be sung by a mother who wants to gain a godly perspective on making a home for her children and leading them to an eternal home.
How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Selah
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.
Our earthly homes can not be and will not be our eternal dwelling place. No matter how much love and care you put into your earthly home, it cannot be and will not be the eternal dwelling place for your children.
Mothers begin “nesting” during their pregnancy. Even though the term “homemaker” has fallen out of fashion, it’s in our DNA to make one. But in the end, we are only making a temporary nest. Our children are going to fly. We want them to know how to walk the highways to Zion. We want them to know how to turn the Valley of Baca (weeping) into a place of springs. We want them to appear before God. This means we will have to let them go. Here are some practices that will strengthen your resolve for good.
Pray for your Children
Perhaps the most helpful practice I had regarding my children was to pray for them. Consistently, purposefully. Each year on their birthday, my husband and I would think about each child - his or her strengths, weaknesses, budding talents, and difficult trials they were facing or we saw coming. We'd wonder about what lay ahead of them and what might we do to help them navigate this well. We would choose a verse for them and use it to pray for them during the upcoming year. Often we would share with them. I kept a journal with these verses in and rotated through the pages praying for my kids. It was a simple practice, something small done consistently over many years. Like a tiny drip of water that can break a stone, these tiny prayers had an immense impact for my children and for me! It is a practice I continue now for marrieds and grandkids.
Talking to God about “his children” is a great way to be constantly reminded that they are not your own. And a good reminder that you are not able to change their hearts. Nor are you asked to. There were many prayers of “Do you, Lord, see what he is doing?” “I can’t make sense of this; I don’t know what to do next.” I remember a night of, “Lord, be merciful to me.” I would rehearse God’s promises to me as I prayed. I believe this attitude of dependence slowly changed the way I interacted with my children.
I have never viewed myself as a prayer warrior. One of my daughters coined the phrase: Prayer Dependent. That fits well. I could never pretend that I had all the answers to the situations they faced. But I could point them to their heavenly father. I hope my children would tell you that they were listened to, sympathized with, and given advice when appropriate. More than that, I hope they would tell you they learned where to find wisdom.
When your children are born, you do everything for them. There is no instruction taking place. Along the way you teach them to walk and talk. You teach them to obey “stop” and “come here.” You teach them skills, how to tie their shoes, how to ride a bike, brush their teeth, make a bed. But you are still doing for them - making them meals, washing their clothes, planning their schedules, helping them with homework. Then there is this magical moment when a mother realizes a child helps more around the house than the mother does for them. Just recently my daughter experienced this. On her last trip to visit, she said her boys could pack their own backpacks, carry them onto the plane and entertain themselves during the flight! Just magical!
Over the course of years of caring and loving, the doing is slowly replaced by more teaching. How to drive a car, keep a budget, get a job, make a friend, resolve conflict. When you were doing much for them, you were the hands and feet of God. When you taught them, you were his voice. Along the way they needed to learn that God was behind it all. You were always dependent on him. You were serving at his bidding. You were answerable to him. And so are they.
One of the interesting things about having adult children is having them explain their perspective on what happened when they were little. We had a certain routine that we went through when we were disciplining our children. Oftentimes I would be overwhelmed either because of circumstances in my day or the confusion of knowing what had really just happened or from frustration that the same thing had happened yet again. In this case, as I pulled the child aside to discipline, I would stop and say something like, “Mommy has to talk to God about this. Let’s just be still for a while.” And I would pray silently. Pleading for peace, wisdom, love. Help. A couple of years ago, I learned what my kids were thinking when I would do this. The topic of discipline was being discussed by grown up kids, and they said, “Remember when mom would take you into her room and get all quiet? It was like she was sticking God on you.” I laughed. And rejoiced. They were God’s children all along. If my kids knew I was dependent on him, so much the better.
Serve with your children
It is important for children to learn that they are not the star of the show or the center of the universe. Serving with your children, especially in a church setting, will help them learn this.
My husband and I are so thankful that God called him to be a pastor. There were so many good things that were unnegotiable for us. Attending worship was a given. Serving in church was a priority. We didn’t realize until later how these things shaped our children and prepared them for adulthood.
Our children knew instinctively that their dad and mom answered to a higher authority. They knew freedom didn’t mean turning eighteen and being on their own. Freedom was found in arranging one's life under God’s rule - and that His rule was good. He, the creator, our savior, knew what gave his creatures life and joy and peace. The rhythm and practice of corporate worship and church involvement established this in their lives.
I would encourage you to make being in church on Sunday morning with fellow believers a no-thought decision. Do not get into the habit of waiting until Sunday and deciding if you feel like going. There will always be 100 reasons why it just doesn’t work out today. Is this a call to legalism? No. Legalism is the belief that God is indebted to you because of your behavior. Legalism does not mean you do not make a commitment and follow through on it. That’s not legalism. That’s faithfulness. Don’t make a commitment to be in church every Sunday because it will so please God that He has to make your kids turn out well. Do it because you need to be where light and truth and joy are found. Do it because you find his dwelling place lovely.
Gathering together on Sundays has looked different in different times. Difficulty of travel, seasonal weather, availability of electricity all affected the time and place of worship. In our day, it seems like the worship of God is slowly being edged out because of our “busy” lives. Sunday evening services are infrequent. Sunday School may be on the way out. On the positive side, small group discipleship and Bible studies are growing. The tremendous amount of good biblical teaching available in podcasts and on websites is astounding.
What is very unsettling to me is the “new” idea of getting rid of a generational gathering for worship. Parents now go to adult worship and children go to age appropriate classes. I had a neighbor tell me she specifically looked for a church that could be a “one and done” with the kids as far away from “her worship experience” as possible. Wait a minute. There are so many things wrong with that. May I put in a word for the benefit of children being in the worship service? I believe there is unmeasurable good that comes from children watching their parents worship. It makes a visible impression on a young child that something is going on here that is beyond them. When a father says, “Amen,” or a mother cries through a song, the child’s wonder is awakened. Even as the child grows and perhaps is bored in church, there is the obvious example of parents who are not. Discussion of the content of a sermon makes for great family learning. Truth is taught and modeled.
Worship with fellow believers. Live life together. Serve them. Serving with and alongside our children also helped them grow well into adulthood. What is a baby but selfish? They are their whole world. Once someone’s face or hands leave their narrow perimeter, they no longer exist. And all their world happens in the now! Any waiting or “delayed gratification” is answered with loud cries and wailing! Maturity happens as a child’s world widens and time lengthens. This is a natural byproduct of serving others.
It can happen simply by showing hospitality. Cleaning your home with your children so that “our guests feel welcomed” helps them think of things from another person’s perspective. Learning to ask questions of guests lets them see how small their world really is and that they are not the center of it. Sitting at the table until everyone finishes teaches patience.
Volunteering to do the unseen, unthanked tasks with your children teaches them that we do not serve for the praise of men.
Often your children will get to experience the secret, sweet kindness of the Lord. Our kids knew how much their dad did for church people that no one else knew. They also knew that occasionally someone would bring us, out of thankfulness, “the best sweet corn in Glenn county.” Once a farmer had us over to his watermelon field, sliced open several of the ripest ones and let the kids eat just the heart of the melon. What beautiful extravagant waste!
Allow Your Children to Make Decisions
I have seen parents from a very early age give their children a choice in just about everything. “Do you want to wear the green pants or the blue ones?” “Do you want an apple or a banana?” In wanting to believe the best about this practice, I assume they are trying to develop independence and confidence. The jury is out for me. I think more often what is communicated is that the child gets to call the shots. It seems the parents are trying to manipulate the child into doing something by making him think he is in control.
A young child needs to learn to obey. Often with no questions asked. In the beginning, that is learning to obey the commands of, “Come here” and “Stop.” Without needing a reason for the command. Trying to reason with a child who does not have the skill of reasoning is like asking that same child to drive themselves to their friend’s home. There is no hard and fast age when explanations and choices are suddenly appropriate and necessary. It is a gradual change. In contrast to the over-explainers, some parents put off teaching critical thinking skills much too long. They do everything for their child and assume they will be able to navigate a college dorm life- or worse- they try to navigate it for them!
No one has ever gotten it perfect. It takes wisdom to know when and how much a child can understand and how much they can be responsible for. Think about it. Talk to your children about it. Learn to make readjustments.
If the goal is that by the time they are 18 they are ready to live on their own, what must they learn and when should they learn it before that date? If they need to know how to feed themselves, they will need to know how to buy food. Take them with you to the grocery store, and later send them on their own. If they need to be able to clean clothes, show them how now so that before they leave home, they can be doing their own laundry. Your children are going to face disappointments and rejection in many different situations as adults. They are not going to succeed at everything. Are you teaching them now how to handle loss and limitations?
Full disclosure, I think I gave my children some freedoms way too early and didn’t give them other freedoms when I should have. The former I did because I didn’t stop to consider that though I was raised doing such and such at a certain time and place, our world had changed and such things should have been reevaluated. It was also partly because it was easier to let the top three be on their own when I had the bottom three that needed so much of my time.
The latter I did because I was overly fearful of having my children experience any kind of pain. Several years ago, an adult child who was trying to figure out how to love her little ones asked me about this. I didn't immediately have an answer. The question was lost in the rest of the conversation, but God kept it in my thoughts. And it went into my prayers. I came to the place where I could acknowledge that the fear of having my children experience pain, conflict or woundedness had fueled my passion to control circumstances and situations, had made me respond in fearful anger to their foolish or sinful behaviors and had undermined my faith in God’s wisdom and goodness. I had put my confidence in my ability to control anything. This was pitiful and an offense against God’s character.
You see, “the process of shaping a child . . . shapes also the mother herself.” Elizabeth Elliot.
Give them Grace - Live the gospel before them.
I thank the Lord his plan was for humans to parent as a husband/wife team. My husband and I bring different strengths to the process. And different weaknesses. One of my weaknesses was to back our kids into corners when they had done something wrong or had made a mistake and needed to come clean. A+ for truth and righteousness quotient. Failed in the grace category.
Let’s be honest. Though it is God’s plan for parenting to be a husband/wife team, we live in a broken world. You may be a mom trying to love kids all on your own. And truth is, I really never did get an A+ for truth and righteousness. Only God does. And I didn’t fail in grace either, because God’s grace is greater than all my sin. God’s plan for my children’s sanctification included living with an imperfect parent. This is not a license to parent irresponsibly. It is an assurance that faithful parents who are also sinners can rest in the fact that God is parenting their children. I am, and you can be, just a mom who is depending on God to love her children more than she ever could.
It should only take a moment of thinking about your failures as a parent to be thankful for the grace of God that loves us as we are and calls us to be all we should be. An honest parent can not parent without living all of life in light of the gospel. If we have been forgiven much, so we must forgive. Mercy sweetens everything.
Don’t be afraid to tell your children when you have been wrong. I'm sorry to shatter your illusions, but they usually know it. Admit it. Show them how you go to Jesus for forgiveness. They need to learn this. Don’t use grace to excuse not dealing with your children’s wrongs. But always end with grace. The only sin that has permanent consequences is the unrepented sin. Lead them to Jesus. Teach them to be dependent on him, and when they are no longer dependent on you, they will be in a good place.
Our children will probably want to be launched before we are ready to let go. Begin early in their lives practicing letting go. Remember you are not writing the final chapter in your children’s lives.You did not have to cross all the t’s and dot all the i’s. God is the author and editor; the story is not over. When they leave your hands, God holds them fast.
Thoughts to Ponder
On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples
a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,
of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.
And he will swallow up on this mountain
the covering that is cast over all peoples,
the veil that is spread over all nations.
He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the Lord has spoken.
It will be said on that day,
“Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”
Isaiah 25:6-9
What depiction of heaven is given in these verses?
What do these verses say about waiting and what are the results of waiting?
What are you looking forward to in your heavenly home?
How can you help your children have an eternal perspective?
Trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:15,16
Notice the order of the two commands in Psalm 62:8. Why might some NOT pour out their hearts to God in prayer?
Why do we need a refuge? How does prayer help us find a refuge in God?
In what ways did Jesus sympathize with our weakness?
Why can we be confident in prayer?
Where do you need help right now? What aspects of parenting are difficult?
What does your practice of prayer show about how much you depend on the Lord?
Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!
Psalm 34:3
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23,24
What is the chief end of man?
What is the end result of working for your own interests or of trying to please men?
What are your family rhythms and practices of worship and service that demonstrate the Lordship of Christ to your children?
In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.
Proverbs 14:26
Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.
Colossians 2:6,7
What is it about fearing the Lord that makes one confident?
Where can your children find security?
How does one parent “by faith”?
In what areas of parenting might you be over-controlling or too loose?
What responsibilities should you consider giving to your child?
What can you give thanks for today?
For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
John 1:16,17
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
How does God describe Himself in these verses? What does He offer to you?
What evidence is there in your life that you have experienced the grace of God?
How does it look different to parent under law or under grace?
When was the last time you admitted you were wrong to your child?
A Mother’s Prayer
Gracious Father,
The task of preparing children to leave home seems too big for me. Compared to the task, my strength is often small; my gifts are few. When my first child came home from the hospital, I could never imagine the day they would not be with me. It seemed centuries away. There were days that I grew weary because the minutes moved so slowly. Now the letting-go day is racing toward me at a speed so fast it can make me panic. Where did all those long, quiet and uneventful days go? There is so much they need to learn. So much more I wish I had done for them.
Even now when I should be focused on the days ahead, I can be paralyzed by wasted time and missed opportunities. A spotlight shines on my failures. My feeble attempts at faithfulness feel ineffective.
In this season of having the days my children live in my home numbered, give me a heart of wisdom.
Steady me in your truth. I can feel a hundred different things in one day. Remind me that feelings are not facts. They are often far from reality. I must submit them to your judgment.
Remind me of your mercy, grace and faithfulness. You are full of loving kindness - forgiving, restoring. Remind me that my days and my children are in your wise and capable hands.
Give me the strength I need for the work you have put before me today. Help me be faithful in little things. Help me not to assume more responsibilities than you have put in my hands. Give me wisdom to prepare my children well for the letting-go.
Fill me with the hope of an eternity in your presence. I long to dwell where you do - where all things are as they should be.
For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. . . .
The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts. Blessed is the one who trusts in you.
Psalm 84:10a, 11,12