Bitterness: Forgiving precious little sinners

This is the tenth chapter in the series on Opening Your Hands - The Art of Letting Go.

Because sin is real, forgiveness must be a routine part of our relationships. Forgiveness is not easy because we are wired for justice, and we sinfully look at life from a self-referential viewpoint that minimizes our faults while highlighting those of others. Destructive bitterness is the result of not offering the mercy we have received in the Gospel.

I trust that you will be rewarded for the effort of reading. Take time to work through the questions at the end, slowly reading and pondering the truth in the verses. God's word will comfort and correct.

And Please read through to The Mother's Prayer at the end. Perhaps the pouring out of my heart to the Lord will help you to put into words the cry of your heart.

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive."

- C.S. Lewis

“You must forgive in order to understand.

Until you forgive, you defend yourself against the possibility of understanding. . . . 

If you forgive, you may indeed still not understand,

but you will be ready to understand and that is the position of grace.” 

Marilynn Robinson

One evening years ago, when my husband was a candidate for a pastoral position, we both met with the elders of the church and their wives to be introduced. Someone asked me a question. As part of my answer I happened to call my children “My precious little sinners.” Unexpectedly, that phrase got a lot of response. It resonated with parents. The term stuck. My kids have grown up being referred to in this way on many occasions. 

“Precious.” I love my kids. They are of great value to me. True treasures each and every one.

“Sinners.”  Let’s not pretend otherwise. Before they could speak they purposely defied the command, “Don’t touch.” Maybe even while staring straight at my eyes. Some of their earliest words were meant to exert their selfish will. “Mine.”  “No.” 

“Little.”  Not because their sin was little - at the time of my original answer, they were little.They are grown now. But somehow saying, “My precious big sinners” doesn’t sound the same. 

The process of discipling our young children always involved a time of confession and forgiveness. I have forgiven many offenses. And have asked for forgiveness. Yet I never visualized a world where I would still be forgiving my adult children. I’ve come to experience that the need to forgive and be forgiven will be a part of our lives as long as we live in this world. 

I really think it takes a while for a child to realize that his mom is also a regular person. We have watched our children grow up. They have only seen us in one static way. Mom. Always there. Never changing. They do not initially realize that moms have feelings. That casual but unkind words said to her in passing can wound. That jokes made about her mistakes and failings are not funny. That negative comments don’t bounce off her like a tennis ball against a wall. 

As my children have grown, their sin affects me deeper. More painfully. A young child who lies to you to get out of punishment doesn’t spark the same emotional response as a grown son who lies to you because he doesn’t think you need to know what’s going on. It’s one thing for a young child to forget to bring something to school and you have to make another trip. It’s another thing for an adult child to leave things at your home that require an expensive trip to the Post Office. A young child who tells you they don’t like you because you won’t let them have seconds of ice cream doesn’t have the same emotional weight as a grown daughter who tells you she doesn’t trust you. Part of the hurt comes from knowing how much you have done for them. I think it hurts more because you had hoped by now that they would be farther along in their maturity. And as is often the case for mothers, you wonder if it is your failure as a mother that has raised such sinners. 

Forgiveness is not easy because the pain of sin is real. It hurts emotionally. Tears. Loss of sleep. The inability to concentrate on other things. It hurts physically. A stabbing in our chest, a pounding in our heads. An ache in the lower back, a stiffness in the neck. A sick feeling in our stomachs. Our bodies were not created to withstand sin. It takes its toll. 

Forgiveness is not easy because the one who has sinned against us may not admit it. Possibly from a hardened heart. Possibly from a selfishly ignorant one. 

Forgiveness is not easy because the one who must forgive is also a sinner. Very seldom does a problem reside 100% in the other person. Maybe we took an offense too easily. Maybe we did not communicate clearly. Maybe we weren’t as clever at hiding a sinful attitude as we thought we were. Maybe we purposely pushed the wrong button. Or a host of other maybes. 

Forgiveness is not easy because sin is costly, and the person who forgives must absorb that cost. We are wired for justice. We want things fair. But more than fair. As sinners ourselves we want retaliation. Or at least we want to hold something against the offender. Make them pay back what we have lost. Mercy is the work of God. Forgiveness is a supernatural act. 

“I think there would be a lot less confusion in this world if we truly believed that we are sinners living in the midst of other sinners.” A pastor’s wife, my mentor of three decades, said this to me when I called to talk to her about a difficult situation where someone who I trusted, someone who was my friend, had betrayed me - the consequences of which I still feel today. (Below is a poem I wrote during this time.) The pain and hurt was only magnified by the confusion of how it could have happened. 

“Sin makes people stupid.” A converted felon who returned to be a guard at the prison where he had been an inmate said this to my kids around the dinner table after he had spoken in our church. It became a family phrase from then on. 

Sin is real. Sinners sin. Mothers are sinners. Our children are sinners. They will sin against us. And they will hurt us. And we must forgive them or bitterness will grow in us.

Bitterness is the fruit of not forgiving. Bitterness is holding on to the pain of someone’s sin against us. Nursing it. Dare I say treasuring it? We don’t let go of the pain because it validates our experience. So we rehearse it. It becomes our way of getting revenge.  And it is horribly dangerous. It will ruin relationships. Your children will know they have not been forgiven even if you don’t mention it. It will come up in a tone, a sigh, a question that digs, a comment that hints of suspicion. It may burst out in an angry accusation. “You never . . . “  or   “You always . . . .”  Bitterness will enslave you to thought patterns you can not let go of. It will rob you of sleep. It destroys peace. It will chain you to the past so that you can find no joy in the present. Your sin of bitterness is likely to have worse consequences than the sin that made you bitter!

What’s a mother who has been hurt by the sin of her child to do? Give my child a “get out of jail card” and pretend it never happened? Is that how God forgives us?  Lest we forget, when God forgave us it was not a slight of hand trick where he imagined we had not sinned against him or it wasn’t all that bad. To be forgiven, the punishment for our sin had to be laid on Jesus. “He was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities,”for the Lord “laid on him the iniquity of us all.” (Isa. 53:4–6).

“Us all.”  You and your child. Jesus has born the punishment for our sin. Your sin. Her sin. His sin. There is no more punishment required. It is not your role to hand out justice. (Discipline is another matter. We are not talking about the responsibility of a parent to raise a child in the Lord. That’s another topic. For now we are just talking about the heart of the mother who has been hurt.) A mother has been commanded to forgive. “ ….  if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Col 3:13).

Forgive. Put the sin behind you. Make it past history that doesn’t get brought up again. Do not hold it against the child. Easier said than done. 

When I forgive my child, I begin by acknowledging a wrong was done. It is helpful to me to put this wrong into specific words. And to carefully spell out the cost of their sin in hurt or loss. Feeling pain does not mean that one is bitter. Actually, wanting to stop the pain superficially often leads to bitterness. Accepting the pain draws you closer to a Savior who suffered for you. 

With the sin of my child defined before me, I then must go through the process of being reminded of how much I have been forgiven. I compare my child’s sin against me - a fellow human - with my sin against God my creator. My side of the ledger will always be greater. It is good to meditate a while on Psalm 103.

The Lord is merciful and gracious,

    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide,

    nor will he keep his anger forever. 

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

    nor repay us according to our iniquities. 

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

    so far does he remove our transgressions from us. 

As a father shows compassion to his children,

    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

For he knows our frame;

    he remembers that we are dust.

This usually will make my heart tender. But to really give my heart a talking to, I will remind myself of the consequences of not forgiving. For me and for the child. Bitterness. Broken relationships. Guilt. 

I do not always say anything to my adult child. I do not think it is always called for. There is an interesting difference Jesus makes between being the offender (Matt. 5:23,24) or being the one who has been sinned against. (Mark 11:25). In the first situation, the offender must hasten to make things right as far as possible. In the latter case, one must simply forgive. 

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matt 5:23,24

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

I feel like professor Kirk in C.S. Lewis’ books who is always commenting on the need for logic - except that I am again insisting on the need for wisdom. Oh how parents need wisdom every day! There are times that it is wise to let love cover a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8). In the case of adult children, I think this is more often the correct course of action. There are times that it is best to confront with gentleness. “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (Matt 18:15).  Perhaps these questions may help you.

• Have you prayed first that the Holy Spirit would work in your child’s life?
  

• Can you wait on God’s timing to work in this child’s life? Wisdom is patient. 
  

• Have you already forgiven your child? Forgiveness comes before confrontation. Confrontation is for their benefit, not yours. 
  

• Is your adult child a believer? If not, there may be little to gain.
  

• Has this child’s sin put such a wedge in your relationship that it is broken? Then maybe a frank discussion needs to be had.
  

• Is your child unaware that anything happened? Remember Jesus forgave those crucifying him because they were unaware of what they were doing. Luke 23:34. They would later come to know. 
  

• Is this a continual pattern of relating that should be addressed?
  

• Is your child in a place to receive corrections? 
  

• Can you forgive and forget without a confrontation?
  

• Do you need to understand how you may have contributed to the problem?

Have you ever considered how God approaches those who have sinned against him? Think of Adam and Eve - the first sinners. When God came to them in the garden of Eden, did he not know where they were? But he asks them a question. Did he not know who they had been talking with? Again, he asks them a question. Neither Adam’s nor Eve’s admission of guilt was very convincing. It was as if the words, “I ate” stuck in their throats. But God accepted their confession. God does not come with a heavy hand. He comes asking questions, eagerly looking for a recognition of wrong, and is at the ready to forgive. 

So too, you will do well to come asking questions.

• Can you help me to understand what happened when . . . . ?
  

• Is there something I am not seeing in this situation?
  

• How did I contribute to this difficulty? 
  

• How can we both move on past this?

My mom taught me a great deal about forgiveness after she died. Now, that sentence requires a little bit of a back story. 

In her twenties, my mom was considered the black sheep of her large family. 

She grew up on a single family farm in East Canada. If you didn’t raise it or grow it, you didn’t eat it. There were few conveniences. Fewer vacations. It was hard work for everyone. There was no electricity and no indoor plumbing. At 13 years of age, after some of her older siblings had left home to start their own families, it was decided that my mom’s help at home was of greater importance than her continuing to go to school. She never got to start high school. Work started early with coffee and toast (coffee, bread, butter and jam that was all homemade!) for the men folk before they went out for morning chores. At 10:00  a full breakfast - think eggs and bacon, meat and potatoes, home made bread made and jelly made the past summer. Once breakfast was over, household work began. Washing, ironing, cleaning, tending the chickens and depending on the season, preserving, curing, working in the gardens or fields. Another big meal - the big meal of the day - would be prepared for when the men came in about 3 pm.  Then there were evening chores before setting out a light supper (often homemade soup and more homemade bread) for the men about 8 pm. She would go to bed by candle light with a bed warmer to knock out the bitterest cold and a bedpan in case of emergencies.

My mom did not have a good relationship with her mother or her father. Her father was harsh. He did not say much unless to let his commands and his displeasures be known. My grandmother was more verbal and given to outbursts. She and my mom argued quite a bit. My mom felt she never measured up, that she was a disappointment. She was not one of the “successful” older children, nor one of the younger children that she felt were always doted on. She was needed for her work, and it was never done right. My mom was also strong willed and quick to speak up when she saw things from a different perspective.

So at eighteen years old, my mom declared her independence and left home to live in Detroit. On an impulse she took a train to Southern California to visit a friend. She ended up staying, calling the man her parents had arranged for her to marry and breaking off the engagement. She threw off many of her parent’s heavy handed rules and some of God’s good instructions. But she did not get far from God. He did not let her go. He saved her from her sin and herself. The work he had begun in her heart and life, he completed when she met him in heaven.

It is not surprising that my mom brought baggage into her marriage and into her role as a mother. She knew how to work hard and she did, providing for my siblings and me. She was a servant to all. Our home was open to anyone including strangers. There were many things about my mom for which I am very thankful and in her debt. But she had not known gentleness or tenderness. She found it difficult to be a nurturing mother. For a sensitive soul like myself, this was very painful. Unconscious at first, I stopped sharing with my mom anything that had an emotional component to it. I shut her out of that part of my world. We got along well. We were just never close.

Until the end. God’s work in my mom’s heart and his work in mine made her parting from this world a joyful sadness. The word most often used to describe my mom by the folks who came to her funeral was “sweet.”

I thought of my mom seeing Jesus and perhaps for the first time experiencing what it means to be truly loved. In spite of her sins and shortcomings. This joy is real.

My mom’s story helps me rest a bit more freely in God's timing. God doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to make all his children perfect. The process seems deliberately slow. It's little by little, one step at a time. The renewing of a mind, the softening of a heart, the changing of a habit. Our destination - being in the presence of God with joy forevermore - is of great importance. But the journey is too. He must fit us for heaven. He gets more glory by showcasing his grace in transforming us. Even if it takes upwards of ninety years to make a tough woman sweet.

God may have twenty plus more years to go in my life. He probably has even more years than this to work in my children’s lives. I have seen the product of his work. I can trust his process. I don’t have to view my children’s sinful behaviors as my failure or their ruin.

My mom’s story also softens me. She wasn’t the only one in the story with issues. I had to be forgiven. And I never asked to be. By the time I figured it out and could put it into words, she wasn’t able to hear. Just as I can imagine her enjoying the presence of God fully forgiven, I am quite sure that she is also fully aware of my sin against her. She knows our distant relationship wasn’t all her fault - as I think she had convinced herself it was. She knows of my self-protectiveness that was far from loving. And she has forgiven me. This is great joy.

If knowing one has been forgiven by an earthly mother helps us to forgive our own children, how much more does the knowledge that we have been forgiven by our heavenly father. 

Did we have to clean ourselves up to be forgiven? Did we have to confess every wrong attitude, word, deed with perfect contrition and understanding? Of course not. You can do nothing to earn this forgiveness. You must only admit your need for it. The shortest prayer in the bible is the prayer of salvation, “Lord, be merciful to me a sinner.” 

Dear mom who has been hurt by the sin of her child, don’t let bitterness grow in your heart. You can not cling to bitterness and cling to your heavenly father. You do not want to be far from the shepherd of your soul. Forgive. And forgive again. Forgiving is not often a one time event. Jesus said we are to forgive “seventy times seven.” (Matt. 18:21-25). Perhaps that may refer to how many times one must forgive a person for the same offense! Because pain is real. And hurts don’t heal fast. Paul tells us that it is with anguish that we raise children to have Christ formed in them. (Gal. 4:19). Your hurt is real. Forgiveness is the only path forward. 

Desperate to Forgive

The incessant stabbing pain in my chest

lays dormant.

The scar is hidden from all but those

who know me best.

It’s been two years.

Yet like a cruel intruder

a thought creeps in unnoticed.

I feel life drain from my face 

as the muscles tighten.

My eyes stare into an awaken past

that imprisons my mind in a present torment. 

I am weary of remembering.

The peace that is stolen in an instant resists returning. 

The path from anger to forgiveness has not shortened

nor simplified. 

Still, I am desperate to forgive

lest there come a hardening 

that cements me forever further 

from my only hope.

Give me grace - again - to put on 

Compassion

Kindness

Humility

Meekness

Patience.

And when my complaint cries for justice,

may I forgive 

and be thankful for the mercy

you have given me.

Thoughts to Ponder

A soft answer turns away wrath,

    but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:1

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry,

    for anger lodges in the heart of fools.Ecc. 7:9

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, Eph. 4:26

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Eph. 4:31,32

1. What do these verses teach you about anger? What words are used to describe anger? What is its source? How is it to be avoided?
   

2. Take an inventory of your heart. Is there anger or bitterness living there? What consequences are you experiencing? How is it affecting your relationship with your children?

The Lord is merciful and gracious,

    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide,

    nor will he keep his anger forever. 

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

    nor repay us according to our iniquities. 

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

    so far does he remove our transgressions from us. 

As a father shows compassion to his children,

    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

For he knows our frame;

    he remembers that we are dust.Psalm 103:8-14

3. List the characteristics of God as a Father.
   

4. Consider the Lord’s kindness to you. In what ways is he calling you to model this love to your children?
   

A Mother’s Prayer

Father of Mercies,

How merciful you have been to me.

Knowing your mercy, grace and forgiveness doesn’t take away the hurt when my children sin against me. It still can catch me off guard. Be it a foolishly said unkind word or a planned deceit, a broken promise or a purposeful wrong, the knife cuts deep. I have loved this child and opened my hands to let her go. I don’t want to fill my hands (and sleepless nights) with bitterness. Don’t let me live with a false self-righteousness that relates to my children as if I have never, could never, sin in the same way. Use this situation to remind me that I can not put my hope in their perfection nor in mine. Help me to forgive as you have forgiven me. Help me give them the grace you have given me.

As the days and years pass, I am aware that though you are changing me, making me more like Jesus, it does not mean I am growing towards perfection. As you, the holy one, come closer, I, the sinner, am more exposed. Your white hot righteousness is probing closer to my heart, my motives, my impressions. It lays bare my focus on the opinions of others rather than your “Well done.”  It reveals that I cling to an expected reliability of fallible people rather than put my trust wholly in you. The growth in godliness that you have graciously worked in me is to lessen the time between your exposure of my sin and my acknowledgement of it and the experience of your ever widening grace and my ever increasing joy. 

Grace that is greater than all my sins. Joy that is inexpressible.

So help me love and forgive my children. They do not know what they are doing. It is good to know you know how to deal with my child. When he needs gentleness. When he needs thorns. You know my child. His thoughts are not hidden from you. You see him in the dark places. You know the work that you are doing in him. You know the timeline for this work be it days or years. You will complete the work begun in me and in my child. Don’t let me be impatient. When it seems like nothing is happening, deepen my trust in You.  

My role in discipline has changed. Give me wisdom to relate to him now as an adult. Let me love so deeply that I can overlook what needs to be overlooked. Let me love so courageously that I can speak with gentleness when it is needed. Let my love be full of grace and truth.

You are compassionate. Steady me. You are love. Uphold me. 

“This life therefore

is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness,

not health but healing,

not being but becoming,

not rest, but exercise.

“We are not what we shall be, but we are growing toward it.

The process is not yet finished, but is going on.

This is not the end but it is the road.

All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified.”

Martin Luther