Jealousy: Loving Spouses, In-laws and Grandchildren - Chapter Nine

This is the ninth chapter in the series on Opening Your Hands - The Art of Letting Go. In this blog we will attempt to answer some practical questions: Where does jealousy come from and how does one avoid it?  How do you welcome “married-ins” and in-laws and grandchildren into your family? How does one accept different styles of parenting? How can two differing family cultures be joined harmoniously?  How can the need to be liked ruin relationships? This blog is especially precious to me at this time. I wrote of my mother-in-law, Phyllis, as a wonderful example of loving well. I was able to care for her in the last days of her life before she walked into heaven last November. It was the least I could do.

 I trust that you will be rewarded for the effort of reading. Take time to work through the questions at the end, slowly reading and pondering the truth in the verses. God's word will comfort and correct.

And Please read through to The Mother's Prayer at the end. Perhaps the pouring out of my heart to the Lord will help you to put into words the cry of your heart.

At first you hold all of them 

Cradled safely in your arms.

And then their hand is all you hold, 

And soon it’s just their heart.

And there will come a time, 

If your love for them is true,

You’ll have to let their heart go free, 

To love someone else, not only you.

Opening your hands and letting go of your child will most likely involve letting them love someone else.

Your open hands are going to have to learn how to embrace your children’s spouses, their in-laws and one day your grandchildren. Before you are called “Grammy” or “Nana” or  “MeeMaw” you are going to have to adopt “mother-in-law” as one of your titles. 

The mother-in-law is the brunt of thousands of negative character sketches and stand-up comedy routines that make fun of her.  Here are a few that are so often repeated no one takes credit for them. 

What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture? 

The vulture waits until you're dead before picking your bones.

What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a T-Rex? 

The T-Rex had shorter arms and a better attitude.

What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a storm? 

You can wait out a storm and hope it passes.

What does your mother in law and turkey have in common? Seeing them once a year at Christmas is the perfect amount.

Why did the mother in law cross the road? She thought it was a boundary.

If you are a mom, the above jokes are clever, but not funny. If you are a loving mom, you hope that these descriptions of you as a mother-in-law can never be used. Truth is, there are a lot of jokes about mother-in-laws because there are so many terrible mother-in-laws! 

The common characteristic in difficult mother-in-laws?  Jealousy. 

There is a monster sleeping in the hearts of all mothers. It awakens when we see someone else with something that we wish we had. It roars when we think they have stolen it from us. If fed, it will devour us. Shakespeare called the emotion of jealousy that threatened Othello’s undoing the “green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.” 

To come to terms with jealousy, we must first define some terms. What is the difference between envy and jealousy? Jealousy and envy are similar. From the “green-eyed monster” of jealousy we get a description that someone is “green with envy.”  Both jealousy and envy have to do with feelings that arise when you see someone else with something (a position, a possession, a strength/talent, a relationship, etc.) that you wish you had. They are founded in a perceived inequality where the envious or jealous person sees herself on the short end. 

Envy tends to emphasize what is wanted. Its focus is on the desire for something or someone. The feelings often are of sorrow or pity for oneself.  If there are feelings toward the one who is envied, it is a feeling of resentment. Jealousy is a feeling that goes deeper and is often darker. It is more relational, involving anger and fear toward the person who has what you want. A jealous person sees the other person as a threat. 

I have very early memories of envy. Amy’s pomegranate. Deborah’s suede boots. Tammy’s complexion. Brittany’s ease of being around people. But in none of these situations did I care if Amy had a pomegranate nor did I want Tammy’s face to break out. I just wanted what they had. My sin in these cases was assuming that God, my good shepherd, had not provided everything I needed. I was questioning his decisions, casting doubt on his goodness. I was thinking that the transitory things of this world could satisfy. It was a sin of unbelief.

I suppose my first experience of jealousy was when one or another of my various secret crushes gave attention to another girl. The first serious jealousy happened on the weekend my family went to visit the parents of the young man my daughter was falling in love with. They lived in a grand and beautiful midwest lake home with two boats. I wasn’t envious of their home or boats. By then I had lived long enough to be happily content with the life God had graciously given me. No, I was jealous of just the thought that my daughter, and later grandchildren, would be spending more time at this Grandma’s home than mine. She was my daughter. They would be my grandchildren (overlooking the fact that they would be her grandchildren too.) I wanted them to think I mattered most in their lives. I was fearful of losing their love and attention. Ugh. 

Jealousy is rooted in selfishness. When a mother wants to be the only thing that matters in her child’s life, anyone else her child loves becomes a threat to her. This is the mom who will tolerate no rivals. This green-eyed monster feeds on those fibrous falsehoods we have already uncovered. If I believe I own my child, that she is my possession, I will assume I have the right to keep her cloistered. I will be overprotective and critical. Or, if I grant her the privilege of marriage (most possessive moms want grandchildren) I will demand that she still love me best. If my identity is centered in being a mom, I will be insecure in who I am outside of being a mom and will grasp ahold of my child in any way that keeps the status quo.

Jealousy is a reflection of misplaced desires. In Psalm 73 we see the author, Ashpah, struggle with envy when it seemed that another man’s life was easier than his - that someone who didn’t deserve good to come his way was enjoying the good life. 

“But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,

    my steps had nearly slipped. 

For I was envious of the arrogant

    when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.”

Psalm 73:2,3

In the end he comes to realize he has everything he needs when all he has is God. He learned to love what is best. 

“Whom have I in heaven but you?

    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. 

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Psalm 73:25,26

A  jealous mom sees things only from her limited and shortsighted perspective. She looks out for her own interests. This becomes priority number one. Her actions are driven by selfish ambition and conceit. That is why she is quick to grumble and dispute. (Phil. 2:3,4,14). A jealous mom is unable to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. (Rom. 12:15). Often she will be found weeping over the success of another and rejoicing over someone’s downfall. Other people are mirrors that she sees her reflection in - whether to reinforce feelings of superiority or to burden herself with insecurities. 

A jealous mom believes she deserves more than she has. More affection. More time. More gifts. More appreciation. And she will do whatever it takes to get more.  Usually by means of emotional manipulation. A jealous mom demands affection. She requires constant attention. She needs to be liked. And probably liked more than anyone else. She wants to know details about her children’s marriage relationships that are not hers to know. She sets expectations for holidays, birthdays and special events. She will keep track of how often her child calls her. She keeps an account of how much time and money is spent with “the other family.” She feels intimidated by them. Her hold on her child is suffocating. She can not let go. By grasping she is losing the very great joy of her love expanding. By not letting go, her world will become increasingly narrow and limited. Love will diminish. 

This is the folly and danger of selfish thinking. Jealousy will consume everything. It will consume the mom. James explains in his practical letter that jealousy and selfish ambition exist side by side. A jealous person is far from the truth, does not walk in godly wisdom and, in reality, is believing demonic lies. The fruit of such a life is upheaval, disorder and evil. (James 3:14-16). 

A jealous mom can never be satisfied. She takes and takes and takes. And needs more. There are never enough phone calls or visits. Never the right gift or thank you note. In the days of Jeremiah, when God’s people rebelled and turned from worshiping him to worshiping worthless idols of their own making, the Lord said that they had “committed two evils:  they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” (Jeremiah 2:14). Only the worship of God quenches the thirst in our lives for what is real and enduring. He is the living water  of which Jesus said that “whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:14). When a mom tries to quench her thirst by demanding love from her children, she will find this well will run dry. She will wither into only a whisper of complaint, fear and anguish.

So how does a mom avoid jealousy? What is the opposite of this kind of selfishness? Love. Love that opens the hands and lets a child go. 

A true story:  In the 8th grade, my best friend sat me down on the front steps of our school’s entrance to have a “serious” conversation with me. She even had drawn illustrations. The drawing was of a heart with sections divided off. The biggest section represented her love for Jesus. Similarly sized, was her love of family. There were other sections. I was in one. All well.  But it wasn’t. This friend had just begun to “go with” a boy. She was trying to explain to me that she had to make room for him in her heart - that she had to take love from other sections so that she could give it to him. Guess whose section was going to be reduced? Mine! 

My 8th grade best friend is still a dear friend. We have laughed many times over our pitiful philosophical attempts. We had it all wrong. A person does not have a limited amount of love that must carefully be doled out. Our capacity for love grows as we love. Love is generous. Giving freely to all. Please realize your child is not under restraints to love you less once she begins to love another. We have been all about our children growing up. Don’t we want them to grow in their capacity for love? As they love others, your love will grow as well. 

Let’s look again at how the bible describes love.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Cor. 13: 4-7).

If we don’t want to end up as the brunt of a mother-in-law joke, we need to learn to love like this. 

Loving the Spouse

Five of our children are married. I’ve had a front row seat in several relationships of differing levels of commitments: hanging out, going on dates, dating, courtship, engagement, marriage. When I begin to think that I could do better at finding a spouse for my kids than they are doing, I have had to remind myself that arranged marriages don’t always turn out great.  My mother’s heart just wants to spare them the pain and heartbreak of what most dating dramas in America look like these days. I think the best bit of advice for moms during this season is the answer to the question of why God gave us one mouth and two ears. Say less. Listen more. Be actively attentive. Be happily curious. When you say something, say something kind. Or encouraging. And learn to ask good questions of your child. 

What was the first thing you noticed about him?

What do you have in common?

What would a perfect date with this person look like?

Tell me about her family?

Tell me about his faith journey. 

In what ways does she make you a better person?

Did you have any concerns right at the beginning? How did that change? 

Most likely, one of the persons your child is interested in may eventually join your family. A good future relationship is built on a welcoming attitude in the beginning. Welcoming, not smothering nor defensive. You are not trying out for a “new best friend” relationship nor are you battling with a rival.You want to start to build a relationship on trust.  And you have not been hired as a private investigator.  Don’t give off the impression you are trying to uncover dark secrets. Be genuinely interested. Listen well. From what you hear, ask follow up questions to find out why this person is so interesting to your child. If he mentions a book he liked, ask why. If she mentions her favorite restaurant, ask what her perfect meal would be. A good open ended question is: “What would you like to learn more about?”

What if in this welcoming process, you see red flags?  Pray. Pray. Pray. Talk with your husband. Are you both sensing something is wrong? Pray. Let time pass. Was it just a wrong first impression? Pray. Gently ask probing questions that don’t speak directly to the issue. Pray. Have the person over to your home as often as feasible. Have him over with groups of people. Watch how he relates to others. Pray. Is there a sibling or friend that has your child’s confidence of whom you can ask if they have any concerns? 

My husband and I have navigated difficult relationships on a couple of occasions. It is not easy. When we believed it was time to say something, we first tried to communicate to our child that we had her best interests in mind. We came as learners.  “This is something we see. Are we seeing it wrong? Help us to understand from your perspective.” And we prayed. (Have I already said that?) The Lord’s timing may not be ours, but he is faithful. Once at a crucial junction, a daughter’s friend was in the room and I asked her what she thought of what had just happened. She had the courage to speak up at that moment and voice her concerns. It opened my daughter’s eyes.

On another occasion, we shared our concerns with a child and asked that they see a counselor for a certain amount of time before making a commitment to the person they were dating. A voice different from ours helped them see needful things. And just so you don’t think we are always right, we brought up a concern to another child who agreed with the potential for this issue to be a problem but explained why it wouldn’t be. Well enough that we were comfortable with the answer. 

All real concerns should be mentioned, if they need to be, hopefully before the engagement and definitely before the wedding. After the “I do’s” you are going to be on Team Marriage. The new couple’s relationship with each other succeeds their relationship with you. Your focus will have to change to supporting, encouraging and rejoicing in the new union. Your emphasis has to be on wanting the best for them, not wanting attention given to you. This is not the time to criticize or to complain about someone to his/her spouse. I’m not sure you can overdo encouragement and commendations at this point. Look for positive things to say about your child’s spouse. Say them. Often. 

This means that you will be sensitive whether or not you allow your child to share difficulties in her marriage with you. And if it is appropriate to listen, you don’t take sides. You gently guide your child back to the truth. A jealous mom will rejoice when she hears there are problems in a marriage. It makes her feel useful again. She loves to meddle. A loving mom will be thankful for another person to love. Uniquely, sacrificially. Even if it means there is less time for you. Open your hands and love another. Your heart will grow. 

Just a few words about how the married-in’s view you. Because the newly added family member loves your child with starry eyes, it is possible for them to wonder if you may wear angel wings. Or sadly, wonder where your pitchfork is. It is important to set this matter straight. It is crucial for them to know that you know that you are not perfect. They are going to experience this sooner or later. Better not to have this information be dug out to confirm their suspicions or dropped on them to their hurt. Remind them that you are a sinner saved by grace and in the process of transformation. Encourage them that the same God who continues to shape you more and more into his son’s image, is doing the same thing for them.

Loving the in-laws

With a new spouse, comes new in-laws. Two people do not just get married. Two families are united. Families that may be different. That have different standards of living. That celebrate holidays differently. That worship differently. Differences do not have to be points of contention. They do call for discernment. You may have grandchildren to share. Give them a warm welcome. Express appreciation for their child and, if true, for the way they raised their child. Open doors for conversation. There will be a need for many in the years to come. 

Planning a wedding together is a wonderful opportunity for the families to learn about each other. Both through the joys and the pressures. Communicate often and clearly. Show deference. Give thanks. When issues or questions arise that must be addressed, as often as possible, see that all involved in the issue are involved in the discussion. Be willing to admit when you’ve overstepped or misunderstood. 

Some in-laws will want to be best friends. Immediately. Some will be content with a causal, friendly relationship that grows over time. Some relationships will take longer to develop because of geography or work or life’s seasons. Adapt. Love. You are in this for the long haul. 

Part of developing relationships with in-laws is again being sensitive to what negative things you allow to be said about your child or your children’s marriage. Let them know you are on Team Marriage first and only. That you will not be a sounding board for comments or discussion about what is wrong. Not responding to topics about the kids may be enough of a message that you do not want to be a part of this. Redirecting the conversation may help. “Aren’t we glad they have good people around them to get advice from?” “Isn't it good that they both want the Lord’s will?” Effective questions if gently and kindly asked can quickly end a practice of complaining.  “Are our kids trying to work this out by themselves? Is this something they asked you and I to talk about? Are we helping them with this discussion?” 

Could it be that the Lord who specifically gave you this child, and purposely led her to this man and his family, may have sanctifying work to do in your heart and in the heart of your inlaws through this new relationship?  We may never know. But I do know that God loves to have his children mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. (Romans 1:12). Open your hands and love others. 

Loving grandchildren.

If the Lord blesses your children with children, you are in for a treat. All that you’ve heard about grandchildren is true. Welcoming a grandchild in the world is a sweet joy that counteracts the sadness of having to let your own child grow up. “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged.” Prov. 17:6. When your children were young your life was full of necessary things involved in raising a family. As your grandchildren grow up, your life is often slowing down so that you can enjoy very simple moments with them that hold great meaning. 

Grandparents have a wonderful opportunity of providing stability in this ever changing world. The fact that you have been around for a long time carries weight with those who can count the years of their lives on one or two hands. Stories told again and again add layers of predictability and comfort.

Could there be any problem with grandchildren? Are we still sinners? 

It’s very possible there will be another set of grandparents. The in-laws. There may be differences in financial resources, nearness to the kids, extended family traditions or methods of discipline. Anytime there are differences, there is the possibility of misunderstanding and, with this, jealousy. The grandmother who lives near the kids and sees them on a regular basis can be jealous of the grandmother who lives with them 24/7 when she’s in town. And visa-versa. The creative, artsy/crafty grandmother can be jealous of the grandmother who takes the kids on adventures. And visa-versa. And we haven’t even mentioned who gets the kids for what holidays and for how long. The pitfalls for jealousy are everywhere. Jealousy sets up competition. No one wins. Grandchildren are the biggest losers when grandparents compete for their attention, time and affection. 

If your first priority is Team Marriage, your next priority should be Team Family. What a blessing grandparents can be when their desire is to see grandchildren love and honor their parents! I know there are lots of cute sayings about how it is the grandmother’s prerogative to spoil her grandchildren. If by spoil one means disregarding the parent’s rules or requests, I’m not buying this. Why do you spend an exorbitant amount of money on presents - over what the parent’s wanted? For the grandchild’s benefit or your reputation? When you’re on child care duty and your daughter asks you to get the kids to bed by 8 but you decide they should stay up till 10 and have fun with Grammy, you have broken a trust. Underneath your assumption that you had the right to make that call is selfishness and not the best interests of the child or her parents. Love does not insist on its own way. Love puts the interests of the Team Family first. 

In all of these areas -loving the spouse, the in-laws and the grandchildren-  I learned from a gentle and kind mother-in-law. Phyllis welcomed me into her family as if I was exactly who she had hoped her son would meet and marry. She had to overlook much immaturity and youthfulness. Here is an incident that occurred in less than a minute but had a significant impact on our relationship. 

It was my first Christmas visiting Steve’s home as his bride. Still in the delightful haze of the first year of marriage, I had carefully and secretly purchased Steve an overcoat for the cold winter days of Dallas. Think of Della buying Jim a chain for his watch in The Gift of the Magi and you’ll understand my mind set. This was way before the days of Amazon and easy shipping.  I had strategically arranged to have a friend deliver the coat to Phyllis ahead of time to wrap and hide until Christmas. When we got there, I noticed a big red box under the Christmas tree. What else could this be but The Gift? But this wasn’t how I had imagined Steve finding it. I quickly grabbed it and dashed with the big red package down the narrow hallway to hide it under a bed. Did you catch the fact that it was a big box wrapped in red? Later I accidentally overheard Steve’s younger sister ardently pointing out to her mom a red scratch on the hallway wall. “Where did that come from?” Her mom’s response? “Don’t worry about that. I’ll be able to fix that. It doesn’t matter how it got there.” I was too embarrassed in the moment to even acknowledge what I had done. One day the mark was there. The next day it was gone. Love covers a multitude of sins, overlooks youthful errors, doesn’t keep track of selfish mistakes.

There’s another story from the early years of our marriage that is still repeated. Steve just told it to someone yesterday! His parents and mine lived 30 minutes apart from each other. We lived ten hours away. Whenever we came for a visit, we would divide the time equally between the two homes, staying with my folks for the first half and then packing up and “moving” to Steve’s family’s home for the last half. On one of these occasions we had settled into the Krogh home and enjoyed our first meal together when there was a knock on the door. There stood my parents who we had just said goodbye to us only hours ago. They sheepishly asked the question that has been etched in our minds ever since. “We were just wondering why we should be over there all by ourselves when you all were over here?” And of course, Phyllis welcomed them that evening and included them in other events over the next few days. Love is selfless. Love gives freely. 

I always felt that Phyllis loved my kids as much as I did. She prayed for them. Was always interested in their lives. Delighted in the times she visited. I don’t remember her ever bemoaning the fact that we lived far away. I know what she would have said if I asked her about it. Steve’s dad was in the military. They had an authority above them that gave them orders and they followed. She knew we had an authority above us who directed us from Seminary in Dallas to a church in Northern Ca to another church in far away Michigan. She would have expected us to follow and then she would happily adjust her life to be a part as much as was possible. Love doesn't demand her own way. Love finds a way to love in the circumstance presented to her.

 Love doesn’t bring attention to how well she loves. Love doesn’t demand that she is recognized, appreciated, honored.

Phyllis, you consistently loved me well.

Thoughts to Ponder

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. Prov. 14:30

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Isa. 58:11

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Ps. 90:14

1. What brings conflict? Why? What brings life? 
   

2. Contrast how the Scripture describes the jealous person (envious/coveter) and the person who experiences the love of God? 
   

3. How do emotions affect the physical body? 
   

4. In relation to your children, what do you desire and do not have? Of what or of who are you jealous? What effect is this having on you? On your children? Your grandchildren?
   

5. Where are you hoping to find emotional security? Where can true satisfaction be found?  

 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2: 1-4

6. What does humility look like? Where does it come from? To what is it contrasted?
   

7. What are specific ways you can show love to your children, the in-laws and your grandchildren? 

In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge. Prov. 14:26

We will not hide them from their children,

    but tell to the coming generation

the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might,

    and the wonders that he has done.

Psalm 78:4

One generation shall commend your works to another,

    and shall declare your mighty acts.

Psalm 145:4

8. What will your grandchildren know about God because of you?

A Mother’s Prayer

Gracious and most generous Father,

Things are not how I wish they would be, how you desire them to be, with my familial relationships. Up until now, I have blamed everyone else but myself. Well, if there ever was a hint of my wrong doing, I had plenty of explanations. Excuses, really. 

But now I am realizing that the role of ‘Mother” does not include, as I privately wished it had included, the traits of  omniscience, omnipotence, sovereignty. I am just a mom - a woman trying to do what is right for the children she loves. Making mistakes. Asking for wisdom. Sorting out folly from truth. Discerning hidden motives.  

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! 

Psalm 139:23,24

I am wondering now if there might be some selfish jealousy hidden in my heart? Might the addition of my child’s spouse, in-laws or grandchildren have uncovered what has been just under the surface? Does this show that I am still fighting with the desire to have life be all about me?  

Jealous? Me? Why should I ever believe, feel, or act like you haven’t provided for all my needs? Why would I ever doubt your goodness? Yet now I see in my attitudes and actions things that betray what I thought I believed. I am over-protective, overbearing, and over sensitive. I am critical and defensive. No wonder I am hard to please and nothing is ever enough. 

This is ugly. It hurts so much to see it in myself.  

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.Let me hear joy and gladness;    let the bones that you have broken rejoice.Hide your face from my sins,    and blot out all my iniquities.Create in me a clean heart, O God,    and renew a right spirit within me.Psalm 51:6-10

Oh Gracious Father, Forgive me. 

Will there always be struggle? Will each new circumstance and change of season only serve to spotlight more stains on my clothing? Yes, I believe this will be true. But under the weight of this truth is another. You are with me. You are for me. Your son died in my place, to set me on a path of change for the better, to rid me of hidden sins, to make me beautiful. (Eph. 5:25-27). It is in his righteousness that I can come into your presence. Not in my perfection as a mom. And he will one day give me a spotless white robe, pure and clean. (Rev. 7:9; 19:8; 22:14).

Teach me to love, again. As you love. 

Help me to lay down my life for others. (John 15:13).

Help me to see and be more concerned about the needs and ideas of others than of my schedule.

Help me to see and praise the achievements of others and give them the limelight.

Help me to take the time to learn from others, to not take offense when corrected.

Help me not to demand my own way, to demand to be the center of everyone’s attention. 

More than that, Help me to love you with all that I am. May you, the greatest good and greatest joy, be my one true love that fills me so that I can open my hands and hearts to love others as I have been loved.