The Art of Letting Go

As a pastor’s wife for thirty years and now the wife of a missionary/elder, a mother of six and a grandmother of nine,

I often talk with moms whose children are on the brink of independence. The moms have had little guidance through these specific years of how to prepare for one of the hardest acts of sacrificial love asked of a mother - To let her children go.  Such is the season in life that I have been in for many years, so I am very aware of their questions and heart issues. Many of these issues I have been talking to God about for a while and have found sweet encouragement and challenge in His Word. 

I hope in the upcoming blog posts to help moms learn the reasons they unlovingly grasp onto their children by examining the deeply ingrained but fibrous falsehoods twisted in the core of our being: confusing stewardship with ownership, creating an identity out of what is our calling, and turning from worship to idolatry. I will attempt to uncover issues that often quietly take root in a mother’s heart:  fear, anger, bitterness and jealousy while giving mothers the encouragement that Jesus understands how hard it is to feel empty-handed. I hope you will find practical wisdom and hope for whatever season of mothering you are in and you will come to see that the letting go process can be the means by which we are opened up to deeper growth in Christlikeness and wider ministry to others. 

Moms, we need help.

I don’t need to tell you how complex the job of a mother is. But let me try . . . .

Mothering is:

Anxiety producing and Awe inspiring

Baffling and beautiful

Confusing and Cherished

Demanding and Delightful

Exasperating and Enjoyable

Frustrating and Funny

OK - you get the idea. We could finish this all the way to Zoolike and Zippy!

But I am not writing to tell you what you already know. I want to give you a peek of what is around the corner and share with you some things that may help you navigate the hardest part of mothering:  Letting your children grow up and leave home.

My husband and I would joke with people that we kept having children because we kept coming up with great names for them. The first name had a connection to scripture; the middle name was always a family name.  My husband is proud of his Norwegian heritage and the prominent growling “kr” sound in our last name so he wanted the names to sound strong. Most of the first names have a “k” in them. One child found the “k” in the middle name. In the providence of God, we had six agreed upon names. We had six kids. 

I loved being a mom. This surprised me. I grew up reading missionary biographies and was sure that God would send me to a distant land as a single missionary woman. Then I fell in love with “Steadfast Steve,” married him, and we started naming little Kroghs. 

Once I was a mom, I never imagined not having children around me. What mom of little ones has time to think about what life will look like without those little ones asking questions and losing things and making messes and giving the best and biggest hugs? What mom of teens has time to think about what life will look like without a weekly schedule that is color-coded, refrigerators that empty overnight, and late night debates about family rules? Without sons who are still growing into their bodies and hitting walls and furniture as they stumble by? Without daughters who are figuring out how to tame emotions and what true friendship looks like?  Without significant milestones that tumble on top of each other so quickly that it is hard to enjoy the present because the next day’s responsibility is waiting? But my little ones grew up, went off to college, got married and are having little ones of their own. And now for two years the house has been quiet. A quiet I never imagined.

I’m still a mom. Only different. I’m a mom of children who do not live in my home. Six of them, plus five that have married in, and nine amazing grandbabies (the kids have guessed we’ll have eighteen before they’re all through). The six families are living all across America following the various paths that God has placed in front of them. We tend toward liberal arts so it’s not surprising we ended up with three teachers (two of them basketball coaches) and one in gospel ministry. The first and last sons- our bookends - are both in finance of some kind. The Lord knew we would need someone to fund the family vacations in the future. All of them are regular humans to whom God has given new hearts to treasure him and is transforming them into his image. This is a gift of grace from God to us. 

Loving them as little ones meant meeting physical needs and helping them learn their A, B, C’s, their manners, and how to drive a car. It meant shaping their character and giving their giftedness a place to grow. It meant leading them to Jesus in word and example. It looks different now. Different because of the smaller role I play in their daily lives. That smaller- though not insignificant- role began when I did one of the hardest things ever asked of me. I opened my hands and let them go. 

We used to tell folks that having six kids meant we had seen it all. Name a discipline issue and we’ve probably had to deal with it. We learned a lot - grew up a lot and learned to trust God a lot - while raising our children. I’m expecting that having six adult kids means I still have a lot to learn.  I’d like to share some of those things with you.  Because I’ve been meditating on God’s word for half a century you will find his wise commands and gracious promises infused throughout. And just maybe, you will be able to imagine and know the wonderful joy it is to be a mom who has opened her hands. 

There will be stories of my children throughout these blogs. Sometimes I have made attempts to hide their identity. Sometimes I have combined details to make the story simpler to tell. They’ve already lived thirty years in the fish bowl of a pastor’s family. That was enough scrutiny. This book is about what I have learned, not what they need to learn. Some of my kids love attention. Others would never step into the limelight. One of our daughters told my husband that if ever mentioned her in a sermon, she was going to charge him ten bucks!  She let me know the same terms apply for these blogs. I’m out money already. 

At the end of each blog there will be a section of “Thoughts to Ponder”. Real change comes when the Spirit of God applies the word of God to our hearts. If you read these blogs and enjoy the stories but are not different when you finish, it will have been for naught. Meditate on the scriptures given. Breathe them in and out. Let God’s word speak to your situation. I hope you take the time to write out answers to the questions posed.

Don’t rush through. 

For each blog post I have written out a Prayer for Mothers. More often than not, I cried as I wrote these, pouring out my heart to my loving lord and faithful savior. Though each one will contain confession and requests, I tried to point to the beauty of Jesus and the wonders of God’s grace. Oh that He would help us know more of the wonders of his love as we learn to open our hearts to all He has for us!

Moms, we need help. We need to know how to walk this path with grace and wisdom. We need encouragement that we are not alone. We need practical next steps. If you're a mom of little ones or "grown and flown", I hope here your will find a kind voice to gently help you look at heart issues and sinful patterns of relating that are magnified as our children grow. I trust the opening of the truth of Scripture will change your perspective. I want to give you a way to voice your concerns and the assurance that God will hear you.