Grinding Gears

The first verse of scripture I memorized was probably Ephesian 4:32

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.

I did not set out to memorize it. I just heard my mom recite it every day. “Girls, be kind. . . . .”

Kindness - a matter of the heart - a tender heart that wants the best for another person and eagerly looks for ways to help another 

Kindness - a frame of mind- a realization that you have been forgiven much that opens you up to forgiving others. 

What does this have to do with Grinding Gears? 

My husband’s work often requires him to attend conferences or speaking engagements away from our home. Maybe for two nights. Sometimes for a week or more. If you have been in this same situation, you know that though you have looked forward to the reunion, sometimes it doesn’t go as beautifully as you pictured. 

When he was gone and there were kids at home, Daddy’s absence meant a lot of simple, kid friendly meals. Maybe more play dates. Maybe more treats. It definitely meant that I took on the whole role of discipline and structure. Steve would come home, possibly tired from travel, but filled with new ideas and stories. To me, when he came home it was as if the reinforcements had arrived and I figured it was time to check out for some deserved rest and recuperation. The stage was often set for miscommunication, resentment and anger. 

We began to imagine our very busy lives as individual gears in a machine or a gear train. Each one of us was a different size gear, but when we all were interlocked correctly, the machine (our family) ran smoothly. The interlocking of gear teeth that allows power and motion to transfer from one gear to the next is called meshing. A good family meshes well. 

Does anyone today still understand how a clutch on a car works? I am NOT a mechanic and sorely engineering deficient. So in very layman's terms a clutch is what helps gears get in sync with each other. It is what makes it possible to remove one gear and introduce it or another gear into the system without disrupting the machine. But this cannot be done while the gears are running at full speed. When that happens, when a clutch is not engaged correctly, you will hear the awful, harsh grating sound that lets you know you have ground the gears. Instead of the teeth of the gears interlocking, they crash against each other. They may even break off. 

In a family, that grinding sounds like complaints and accusations. 

Steve and I eventually realized that if our reunions were to go smoothly, if we were to transition back into gear, we had to slow down and re-engage.  We needed a clutch. 

So here are the snippets of wisdom we learned.  

If at all possible, talk to each other during absences. Even if there is only time to share a snapshot of what one's life looks like, it helps you to engage in each other’s world. 

Ask the Lord to help you look out for the interest of another.  Think about what his days have been like and what the reunion would look like from his perspective. 

Plan time for slowing down. It is probably not the best idea to schedule five different places to be the day your husband comes home. Perhaps you make a crockpot meal or order out pizza so you are not distracted with getting dinner on the table. Perhaps you put the kids to bed early - after a special welcome home for dad. If need be, stay out of each other’s spinning gears until you have time to quietly talk.

Go on a walk or a drive together. It is amazing how either of these two activities help you to talk slowly. They lessen the need to get everything out at once. 

Know this, my beloved sisters: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger

and the gears of your family will mesh.