The Difficulty of Letting Children be Different

This is the eight chapter in the series on Opening Your Hands - The Art of Letting Go. I am skipping ahead to this chapter because the Holidays are right around the corner. Holidays that bring both the possibility of joy and tumult. The more people in a room the greater the web of interactions and the more likelihood of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. In this blog we are going to be reminded that a child is not a cookie-cutter of her parents. She is going to have different talents, preferences, opinions and values. What does a mother do with the hurt feelings that naturally arise when a child chooses differently from how they were brought up? What issues are worth fighting for? How do we sort out the trivial from the eternally significant? How do we encourage our children to look to Jesus?

 I trust that you will be rewarded for the effort of reading. Take time to work through the questions at the end, slowly reading and pondering the truth in the verses. God's word will comfort and correct.

And Please read through to The Mother's Prayer at the end. Perhaps the pouring out of my heart to the Lord will help you to put into words the cry of your heart.

The 4 a.m. worrying about your child doesn't stop when they grow up. But as time goes on, you get much better at controlling the urge to call them.

--Anonymous

In parenting, it is “faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridge the gap between our own parenting efforts and what, by God’s grace, our children grow up to be.”  Leslie Leyland Fields

“Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” C.S. Lewis 

Once upon a time, there lived a lovely queen in a magnificent palace. The king, her knight in shining armor, protected her from all trouble and provided for her every need and wish. Her children were well behaved, intelligent and talented, and excelled in every activity the queen arranged for them. Even when they were grown and beginning families of their own, they did not move out of the castle walls. They continued to follow the queen's advice in everything, for they knew she would only and always bestow words of wisdom on them. And they all lived happily ever after. 

At what point did you realize this was a fairytale? Was the “Once upon a time” a give away? Obviously, it was much more a fantasy than a fairy tale. Great fairy tales, like real life, will always include catastrophes or impossible and horrible situations that beg for some kind of sudden, non-guaranteed, marvelous turn of events.

However, this fantasy was a dream not far from what I hoped for as a young mother.

Even as a little girl I remember telling my mom that I wanted my sisters and I, when we had families of our own, to buy the three houses next to my parent’s home so that we could always stay together. It didn’t happen for my sisters and I. My children didn’t fulfill the fantasy either. They live in six different cities in four different states on both sides of the continent! This has been terribly hard to adjust to. But there is something worse. Something that originally turned my fantasy into a nightmare.

My children do not agree with me on everything!

Can we move on from fairy tales to cliches? Cliches are boring because they are overused and familiar, not because they do not hold some bit of truth in them and epitomize common experiences.  Still, cliches are not universally true or true in all situations. Two cliches have bearing on the topic of letting go of children. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” or “He’s a chip off the old block.” Both of these give the impression that children do not differ much from their parents. I remember the time when my first three were young apple blossoms on my tree and I realized that they did not have any original thoughts. I was the gatekeeper or curator of all that they read or saw or heard.

But my children weren’t meant to be apples that hung from my branches. I found that as they grew, their personalities were different from mine. They had interests that I never had. They looked at life from different perspectives than I did. Not only do we not now live in the same geographical orchard, we are all very different fruits! 

We want to raise mature adult children who can think for themselves, make wise decisions and know how to skillfully live in this world. To raise them well, to let them go, includes a realization that they may choose to do life differently than you do. You chose to live with certain values and distinctions through careful thought and conviction. Does this mean that if your child chooses differently, it is an abandonment of all you taught her, a slight on your teaching and beliefs? Does it mean that one of you is now wrong? How are these differences to be dealt with?

We live in a culture of polarization. If someone does not agree with you on every point, that person is considered the enemy. Thoughtful debate is unheard of. Sadly, what is happening in the town square has become acceptable at the dinner table. Did you know that right up next to lying, murder and evil plans the Lord hates those that “sow discord among brothers”? (Prov. 6:16-19).

Oh how we need to learn how to discuss differences with civility!

The Apostle Peter pleads for peacemakers.

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For

"Whoever desires to love life and see good days,

let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;

let him turn away from evil and do good; 

let him seek peace and pursue it.

For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,       

and his ears are open to their prayer.

But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

1 Peter 3:8-12

If we are going to be peacemakers, we are going to have to find a way to live peaceably with our children who make choices contrary to what we would choose for ourselves or for them. Choosing to marry a man whose favorite color is your least favorite is not a deal breaker.  (Though it may assault your senses when you visit their home.) Choosing to live in the city when you raised them in the suburbs is not a life or death matter. (Even though you think it may be!) Choosing to be gourmet cooks or coffee connoisseurs does not mean they do not appreciate your simple family meals. (Though it can feel like an indictment.) Choosing to celebrate holidays with their nuclear family rather than the extended family does not have to be a statement of their love for you. (Even though it may feel like it.) Choosing a different theological answer to how to administer the sacraments does not mean they have rejected the faith. (Even though it is a vital way you express your faith.)

Of course, choosing to walk away from Christ is the one choice that  carries the greatest significance now and in eternity and so causes the greatest sorrow.

In all of these situations and many more, differences can divide making the distance between you and your child feel far apart. Differences can make you feel like a failure. Does it need to be this way?

The weight we give to differing opinions - how much sleep we lose over it - depends on how important the topic is. It is often helpful to think in categories: Preferences, Convictions, Absolutes. 

When there are differences in preferences, love and enjoy.

Differences in preferences may be significant, but do not usually tear at our core. One loves vibrant colors and another prefers neutral tones. One prefers Mexican food and another Italian. One likes to sleep in and another stays up late. One is a minimalist. Another is shabby chic. Differences in preferences require consideration of others. Especially when the whole family gets together and is trying to decide where to eat dinner! Differences in preferences really are the spice of life. Who knows, you may like Indian food if you try it? 

Loving each other, truly delighting in who God made each person to be as an individual, will make life an adventure. Through my children I have learned to appreciate hunting and classical music, athletics and home arts, international dishes and fierce conversations. They have enlarged my world and understanding. They have taught me to live with more curiosity. When dealing with differences in preferences, family members should have the freedom to disagree without judgment.

Differences in preferences only become a problem when someone gives moral value to a preference. It is when it is communicated that, “I am right, and you are wrong.” or “This is what you should choose/do/like.”

When there are differences in convictions, respond with humility.

Things we believe to be right or wrong, true or false, the “shoulds” and “should nots” can be separated into convictions and absolutes. Though there will be some issues that one person may view as a conviction and another as an absolute, in general, for a Christian, convictions usually come from an attempt to rightly apply the word of God to our situations and circumstances. They begin with the belief that, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” (2 Tim. 3:16). They may have been handed down to us as a tradition in our church or family. 

A conviction is something we believe is important, necessary even, to one's growth in godliness and helping us live lives to the glory of God. They are not small matters. Convictions determine what church community we worship with. They could include the way one disciplines or educates his children, the type of medical care one pursues, how one spends or invests her money, who one supports politically, or what kind of entertainment is deemed acceptable. 

When we differ in convictions there are a lot of emotions involved. Convictions do not tend to be arrived at or changed casually. They become a part of who we are. Eventually, family members may have to decide to “agree to disagree.” But that is not as simply done as said. It takes love to listen to another explain his position without assuming the other person is ignorant or mentally lazy. It takes a willingness to ask how a person came to their conviction and hear their answer from their perspective not ours. It takes humility to acknowledge our own imperfect view of an issue. And it works best if both sides are lovingly and humbly asking and listening. 

Agreeing to disagree doesn’t solve the problem of how to live with differences. When a child has a problem that you think stems from a faulty conviction, how do you enter into her pain without saying, “I told you so?” When visiting a family member who attends a church that differs from your convictions, can you take communion there? Can you be a witness to a baptism? Are there some topics of discussion that need to be banned from the dinner table? How generous can you be with a person who spends money differently than you do? How do you as a gathered family decide on what movie to watch? Is everyone bound to the weakest member’s conscience? There are no right answers to these.

The Apostle Paul had much to say to members of churches who disagreed. His longest discourse is in Romans chapter 14. After having emphasized the importance of loving one another (13:8-10) it is interesting that he then goes on to give instructions about how to get along when you disagree with a person you are supposed to be loving. Knowing the specific things people disagreed on in his day, Paul puts people in two camps:  the weak brother and the strong brother. Sometimes these categories still help us in the areas where we disagree today. Even if they do not, the principles still apply. 

Paul tells the believers in Rome not to quarrel over different opinions even though he believed there was one correct answer to each issue that was being raised. He still counseled them not to despise or judge one another because of the opposing conclusions different sides reached.

His reasoning is like this: God is the master and judge of each of you. You belong to him. You individually answer to him not to each other. He is our standard of holiness. I am not, neither are you. He is the one responsible for your individual sanctification and growth in wisdom. In the end, live humbly as the Lord’s servant.

When there are differences in absolutes, pray.

Not all differences are a matter of one's own opinions or convictions. Absolutes are core beliefs we hold to be true because we have seen them clearly stated in the Word of God. These beliefs generally are related to the gospel itself or are essential to the integrity of the gospel. This would include a belief in the inerrancy of scripture, the attributes of God, the dual nature of Christ, justification by grace alone. They include clear commands of scripture. Holding on to a difference in one of these areas could be a difference in eternal life and death.

The soul of our child is the most important thing to us. Life is short. Eternity is long. Are our children making choices that change their understanding of the gospel? Have they joined a church that teaches a false gospel? Have they left church altogether? Are they living in unrepentant sin and expecting the family to overlook or even embrace it? Is a child living with another person without the covenant of marriage and demanding they be allowed to share a room together on a family vacation? Has this child adopted a political stance or ideology that contradicts moral imperatives of scripture?

These are serious issues. 

These are the things that keep moms awake at night and often in tears. If you have a child who, by words or deeds, refuses to acknowledge Jesus as Savior and Lord, then you know just how deep this sorrow can be. If the apostle John believed there was no greater joy than to hear of his children walking in the truth (3 John 1:4), could there be any greater sorrow than to see a child walk away from that same truth?

But these are also things that are not in our pay grade. “Salvation belongs to the Lord.” (Jonah 2:9). Only God can save your child. Do we really want to believe that our child’s salvation is our responsibility? 

Have you heard about St. Augustine's mom, Monica, and her tearful prayers for him? She followed him from country to country around the Mediterranean Sea weeping and praying for him. For over 30 years. Once during that time, she asked her bishop for counsel. What could she do to help her unconverted, wayward, headstrong, enslaved to lust, caught up in worldly ideas and philosophy son?  His answer? "Leave him alone.  . .  Just pray to God for him." 

Praying for the salvation of a loved one over the course of a lifetime without losing hope is hard work. It takes spiritual muscles that many of us haven’t used. It takes perseverance. We can persevere in the hard work of praying for unsaved children by anchoring our prayers in the character of God and the truth of Scripture. The  Lord loves to call himself a God of mercy!  Repeated nine times in the Old Testament is the name that God revealed to Moses.  “The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” This is the God to whom you pray.

One more lesson from the life of Monica.

At one point, she was determined that the way to insure Agustine’s salvation was to get him a Christian wife. It seemed she thought this would make him send away the woman he had been living with unmarried, cure his sexual lusts, and bring him closer to the church. She nagged and schemed. But it didn’t turn out the way she planned.  Broken hearted, Augustine sent the mother of his son away, but refused to marry the woman with whom Monica had arranged an engagement. It wasn’t long before he took on another mistress and continued to struggle with lust. God did save Augustine. Monica lived to know it. But it didn't happen the way she planned. 

Dear mother who is praying for the child you love who has not known God's grace: Pray, but do not scheme. It was God's design that Augustine not be saved until he was 32. The struggles of his life molded his teaching. He would go on to rebuke false teaching regarding man's ability to save himself or add to his salvation. He knew from experience - and could show from the word of God - that salvation was and had to be totally God's work, not ours.

When there is a need to speak, do so with wisdom.

There is a time to pray (always - 1 Thes. 5:17) and a time to speak. How do you talk to your adult children about significant differences in matters of absolutes or conviction? No longer living in a fantasy, I am trying to learn to walk wisely here. It makes sense to turn to  the book of Proverbs.

Some of the first verses our children memorized were Proverbs 4:10-13.

Hear my son, and accept my words that the years of your life may be many

I have taught you the way of wisdom; I have led you in the paths of uprightness.

When you walk, your step will not be hampered, and if you run, you will not stumble.

Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; 

Guard her, for she is your life.

These verses highlight the importance of parents teaching their children - an overarching theme in the book of Proverbs. The words “hear”, “listen”, “keep” “instruction” are frequently found on every page. The parent is instructing his children about the type of friends to make, the type of person to marry, how to handle money, investments, vocations, work ethics, evil men, seduction, neighbors, government and so much more.

It is common to think that Proverbs is a good book for young children. It is. Reading and studying the book of Proverbs with your children is a good practice.  This can be part of what parents do in the 18+ years while their children live at home to point them in the right direction and help them learn how to make wise decisions. More importantly, your children see your relationship with God day to day. If you have modeled for them what it means to fear the Lord, which is the beginning of wisdom. you have laid a sure foundation for walking in wisdom. 

However, teaching and modeling does not end when a child leaves home. The majority of the book of Proverbs sounds like advice from a parent to an adult child. No one grows out of the need for counsel. But how a parent offers counsel does change. Significantly. When the child leaves home, there are natural tensions that arise. A child needs to make his own decisions, not checking in with a parent on everything, not expected to get his parent’s approval. Helicopter Parenting was never a good look. Today’s Pocket Parents are delaying adulthood. Pocket Parents is a term used by college professors of parents who use their child’s phone- supposedly kept in a pocket- to keep tabs on and get involved in everything the child does. (A simple solution is for the adult child to get a job and pay for his own phone!)

Hopefully the parent/child relationship is such that the child continues to seek out the advice of the parent and the parent can offer advice recognizing the adulthood of the child. Walking in the way of wisdom is hard, and our children need all the positive reinforcement we can give them while still encouraging their independence and maturity. This will sometimes mean you must allow them to live in the decisions they have made without side comments or disapproving looks from you.

Though generally, advice should be solicited, praise should not. Point out areas they excel in. Remind them of God’s leading in their past. Cheer them on in the race that God has put in front of them to run. Rejoice when things go well. Comfort when things are hard. Encourage them to find wisdom and strength in the word of God. A child will be hesitant to come to a parent for advice when it seems he will only hear, “I told you so” or “You should know better” or “What were you thinking?” 

Every different direction that your adult child may take or different decision that he may make does not need to be addressed. Your silence does not communicate acceptance. Our children know better.  In the course of raising your child, he will already understand your convictions and know your concerns. Generally, saying less is best. Then when you do address an issue it is not lost in a heap of other words.

The hard thing is to know when a decision or course of action needs to be addressed. I remember when I encountered certain discipline situations while raising young children wondering if this child needed a spanking or a hug. Sometimes both. In the same way, it is not always obvious when to let a difference of opinion be enjoyed for the spice of life it brings or when to address it. Matters of eternal significance and issues that affect the unity of your family are appropriate concerns for a parent.

Pastor Gavin Ortlund has written a book about theological differences in churches. It is entitled, Finding the Right Hill to Die On. He uses the imagery of medical triage to help pastors and elders prioritize challenging doctrines in order of importance and give perspective to opposing sides. I was surprised to find significant help in thinking through the differences I have with my children on both theological and everyday issues. 

Our culture would have us believe that everyone can hold to his/her own truth. That there are no absolutes. That a person of convictions is egotistical and unloving. The generation that grew up after the plea of Rodney King, “Can’t we all get along?” assumes that getting along means not drawing lines. Love means accepting others on their terms. Orlund addresses this in his chapter entitled, The Danger of Doctrinal Minimalism, when he says “The overall trajectory of our culture, particularly among younger generations, probably tends more toward doctrinal minimalism and indifferentism.”  In the cause of unity, holding to specific beliefs is suspect. In order to minimize fighting, the importance of truth is discounted. And this is dangerous. God gave us his written word to be read and studied and believed and obeyed.  To say any of it is unimportant because good people disagree on its interpretation is to put oneself above scripture. 

As an older person, I gave many hearty “Amen!”s to this chapter.

Thankfully there was a previous chapter that addressed my generation’s error:  The Danger of Doctrinal Sectarianism. We are “on alert against any watering down of biblical truth in the face of cultural pressure.” We realize the logical fallacy of saying that something can be black and not black at the same time or of saying two paths can both be the best way forward. (“‘Why don’t they teach logic in these schools?’ said the professor half to himself.”) But we also draw lines where lines do not need to be drawn. We back people who disagree with us into corners. We make essential issues out of non-important ones. The fear that is wrapped up in sectarianism is not a result of fearing God. It is a result of fearing man and over-evaluating one's abilities. 

When you believe you must address a situation, never do so in a panic. Do so with prayer and humility. You as a parent - who has thought about things longer and has experienced more of life than your child- may have the ability to see the wrong in a child’s decision or the projection of where the decision is taking him. And it may be dangerous or at least fraught with obstacles to overcome.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. A woman who fears the Lord knows that he alone is wise and good and mighty. She is comforted by his love for her and her children. She talks to him about her concerns expectant that in his timing, he will direct her path.  She waits on him for the right words to say and the time to say them. A woman who fears the Lords knows her limitations. Are you all-seeing? Do you understand the situation accurately? Have you not also made poor decisions and needed correcting? Do you know the motives of your child’s heart? Are you assuming the worst or the best about them? 

Knowing that Adam and Eve had sinned against him, when God came to walk with them, he came asking questions. He was gently bringing forth from them a confession. Jesus did the same thing when he walked on the earth. The all-knowing one asked questions of the foolish and ignorant. Oh for the grace to ask questions humbly! Oh for the wisdom to ask them well! And to ask them believing the best about the child rather than with suspicions, accusations and hurt. 

“Tell me about what led to your decision to  . . . . .”

“What is it that makes you believe this is the best way forward for your family?”

“This must have been hard for you to tell me. Thanks. What do you want me to understand?”

“You have to know we disagree about this, is there any circumstance where it would be helpful to have a discussion about this?

“This decision is having a significant effect on our family when we gather. Do you have an idea about how we can love one another well in these circumstances? “

“What do you think you are communicating to those who disagree with your opinion?” 

Ask questions. Listen to answers. And trust them to their heavenly father to direct the course of their lives.

In the end of his book, Challies argues that the greatest impediment to church members working together for the sake of the gospel  “is not a lack of theological skill or savvy but a lack of humility. A lack of skill can simply be the occasion for growth and learning, but when someone approaches theological disagreement with a self-assured, haughty spirit that has only answers and no questions, conflict becomes virtually inevitable.” 

I have learned that the greatest hurdle to overcoming and dealing with the different choices and beliefs of our children is pride. Pride is wrapped up in our self image. Again the fibrous falsehood that my significance and value comes from my children will be brought to the surface when my children differ from me in areas that I have defined myself by. Proud people can not imagine that they may be wrong or may not see things clearly. Let me reword the quote from Challies. When a parent approaches a disagreement with their child with a self-assured, haughty spirit that has only answers and no questions, conflict becomes virtually inevitable. 

Dear parents of adult children, you may see the projected outcome of a certain decision of your child years down the road. And it scares you. With good reason. I have often thought of the departure from a truth using the analogy of the two parallel lines of a railroad track. If one line is off but a fraction of an inch, it is certain that miles down the track the train will eventually derail. This is shown again and again in the stories of men and women in the bible, in the history of the church and in the lives of people we have read about or been involved with.

But for God. All of life can change when God steps in. The grace that saved us from a perilous eternity is able to save us from a poor decision. You do not know how the God of grace may intervene and correct your children’s chosen course of action!  Didn’t God’s grace do that for you many times? You do not know how the God of grace may allow a decision to reach its conclusion only to bring clarity and maturity to your child. Hasn’t God’s grace done this for you more times than you can count?

You were given eighteen plus years to steward them with all the grace that God gave you for this task. Humbly, you know you did not do this perfectly. God knew you wouldn’t. He did not make their success in life dependent on you. Leave them in the hands of the Father who is perfect. Enjoy the story he is writing. You do not know how the story will end. 

By the grace of God you can live happily ever after even when your children choose mangos over apples. 

Thoughts to Ponder

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5

1. What are your areas of concern with your child’s preferences, convictions and absolutes? List them here and ask God to give you wisdom to know what to do.

“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”  James 3:17,18

Consider the following descriptions of wisdom.  

Wisdom is pure - it has one focus: faithfully following Jesus and becoming more like him. This entails both holding fast to one's convictions, (2 Tim. 3:14) and being tenacious in loving your neighbor. (Rom. 13:10). Neither truth nor unity can be compromised. (John 17:17,22).

2. Do you tend to emphasize truth or love? What can you do to hold both parts of wisdom together? 

Wisdom is peaceable, gentle and open to reason - it strives for peace with everyone without compromising holiness. (Heb. 12:14). It is not contentious, harsh, or closed minded. It is willing to defer when possible to the other person. It may hold fast to its convictions, but not to its rights. It assumes the best about the other person. It realizes the complexity of issues. It acknowledges blind spots in itself.

3. Do your children sense that you are approachable? 

Wisdom is full of mercy and good fruits - wisdom takes the initiative to look for tangible ways to help another without an attitude of condemnation. It understands the plight of another and the limitations of all of us. It freely gives and receives forgiveness. 4. How can you show empathy to your children?

Wisdom is impartial and sincere  - without prejudice or pretense. It does not make assumptions about a person. It believes the best about the other person. It desires God’s best for the other person. 

5. Do you allow your children to grow and change? Do you hold past errors against them unwisely? 

The end of wisdom is peace. Disorder, upheaval and chaos decrease. Harmony increases.

6. What is the tone in your home? What makes it feel chaotic? What brings harmony? 

 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19

7. What are you quick to do? Slow to do? What changes do you need to make?

A Mother’s Prayer

Prayer for an unbelieving child

Father,

you who are merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, 

Hear my cries for my child who I have loved from birth, who I have taught and laughed with and rejoiced with. But who has now walked away from the faith that is at the core of my heart.

He has walked away from you! Without you he has no hope in this world. He will always be away from your presence - the only place of truth and beauty. He is caught in the trap of the world’s system and the snare of the devil. 

Please be merciful to him. Pity him. Deliver him from the domain of darkness. Grant him repentance that he would come to his senses, repent and turn from his sin. Humble him that he might praise you. 

Though he has had your gracious rain fall on him from a child he has worthlessly borne thorns and thistles. Do not bring on him the curse that is near. (Heb. 6:7)

Use the thorns he has grown to build a hedge of protection around him until he finds his way to you. (Hosea 2:6,7)

May he come to love you because you wore the crown of thorns his sin placed on your head. (John 19:2).

Pour out your spirit from on high until he becomes a fruitful field of righteousness and peace. (Is. 32:13-18). 

My heart is broken. I know how Paul could wish that he were under the curse that his kinsman would be saved. (Rom. 9:3).

Remind me that you see all my tears. That you understand my pain. 

Help me to trust in your wisdom and goodness. To believe by faith that your judgments and ways, though inscrutable, are just and true. May my quiet life of worship, repentance, joy and love be a winsome testimony to my child. Make it plain when I ought to speak and give me the words that will point him to you. 

Prayers for a child who is different than yourself

Father of all -

who wove my child’s DNA together for your glory and her good.

She has grown up under my care. But she has also grown apart from me. She is different than I am.  Different talents, preferences, opinions and values. Some of these make me laugh. Some are a delight. Some are puzzling. Some hurt. A lot. Some make me fearful for her future. Some feel like an indictment against me and my values. Some feel unloving.

In many ways I can feel like a failure. I want a do over. To do better at things. To be more conscientious of what is happening around me. To teach with more clarity and passion. To live a more godly life in front of her.

Even as I say this I realize you are bigger than my missteps. I walked in the grace you gave me. You were not unaware of my faults and distractions.

Help me to take myself, my feelings, out of the picture of learning to love a child who is different from me. Help me to sort out the trivial from the eternally significant. Help me to know what issues are worth fighting for. 

Keep my fears - some imaginary and some real - from coloring my perspective. So much emotion is connected to the conversation.

Don’t let it drown out the need for clarity and understanding.  Give me wisdom to live with the tension of differences. May I be slow to argue.

I need your wisdom to know if and when to say something. I need your grace to speak with kindness, humility and love.

May I be quick to encourage and often be pointing my child to you and your word. 

Remind me that you know all. That this child is an adult under your care. That you are still working in her. That you will complete what you have begun. That you will use both the good I did for her and the sin she saw in me to bring about her maturity.

Remind me of all you did in and through me after I left home. How you covered over foolish and sinful mistakes. How you let me suffer under consequences for my good.  How you have held me fast.

Thank you.

Your grace has kept us safe thus far, your grace will lead us home.