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This is the third chapter in the Series: Opening Your Hands - The Art of Letting Go.
Mothers easily take the God-given gift and calling to be a mother and turn it into their identity from which they expect to find ultimate purpose, significance and value. This is why an empty nester may complain that she does not know who she is anymore.
“Weary or bitter or bewildered as we may be, God is faithful. He lets us wander so we will know what it means to come home.”
― Marilynne Robinson, Home
It is great fun to spend time in a gift store reading all the painted wooden signs, coffee mugs and tea towels. Several times I have taken a snapshot of one and sent it to a friend because it fits an inside joke, but I know I’ll never remember exactly how it was written when I see them again. Though forgetful, they are witty. Humorous. Sometimes laugh out loud funny. And often stupid. Pitifully lame. These inspirational sayings are not just in gift stores. They hang from banners on college campuses; they are lit up on highway billboards; they are sung in commercials. We glibly say them to each other when it’s too hard to come up with better words. My husband and I were once so bombarded with the saying, “Discover your Purpose” that we carried on a conversation about how we had already found, and even named, our porpoise!
There is a difference between finding amusement in these sayings and finding one's identity in them. But it happens all the time. It’s part of being human to want to understand oneself. That doesn’t mean it is easy.
When I look at what it means to be “me,” I can define myself in so many different ways. Am I just what you see - my physical beauty or strength or lack of either? Should I take a personality test and find out what my temperament is or my strengths are? Am I my ability or inability to perform? Am I defined by my success, talents, salary, accomplishments? Does my life consist of my possessions? Do I have the newest gadget? I am great at frugality and recycling? What brings me joy? Am I significant because of my popularity - how many friends I have on FB or how many likes I get on Instagram or followers on TikTok?
When I look outside of myself, my identity gets mixed with comparison and envy. How can I be the Real Me when I like that person’s identity better? And there is no set standard of comparison. One day this person is the model of everything that is wonderful and the next day someone else is. The world is not only fickle in whether bell bottoms are cool or not, it is fickle in what type of person we should aspire to be. So we climb one ladder only to find it is now leaning against the wrong wall.
Do you think Eve, in the garden of Eden, ever had an identity crisis?
“Oh, my! I’m feeling kind of off today. Was it something that I ate? Where is Adam when I need him? I have nothing to wear! What will Adam think about how I did my hair? DId I name enough animals yesterday or will he think I was goofing off with the gorillas? What should I fix for dinner? What am I supposed to be doing?
Who Am I anyway?
I don’t think so. Carl Trueman in The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self has written about the development of the concept of identity throughout history. It is a helpful guide to understanding where we have come from and how we’ve gotten into the mess we are in today. The three phases, or eras, he describes are not set in stone as if one day everything changed. Though there was movement from one to the next, it is helpful to see the distinctions and changes that happen as we move among the three.
In the first era, humans found their identity by asking, “Who is our god, and how do we relate to him?” Notice it was both an outward and a communal question. Memories, experiences, relationships and values were created in the context of communal worship - even though it may have been the worship of a false god(s).
In the second era following the industrial and scientific revolution (1400’s), humans minimized the role of a spiritual being in their lives and saw their identity as how they related to their workplace, their community or their nation. “What role do I play in this community? Memories, experiences, relationships and values were created in the context of “the squad.” It was “we”, and “us” and “our.” The question was more, “What do I do?” than, “Who am I?” This is where calling became intertwined with identity. What I was given to do in this life, what I was good at doing or found pleasure in doing became the source of my significance and fulfillment. This idea continues today every time we ask someone we meet: ”What do you do?” We still often assume that what someone does, defines who they are.
We find ourselves in the third era which flowed out of existentialism and self-actualization that began in the 20th Century. The questions one asks now are, “What makes me feel happy?” and “Will other’s accept me?” The significant shift was from an outward look to an inward look. From a window to a mirror. Self is now placed front and center.
“Make your own meaning.”
“Write your own story.”
“Be your best self.”
“If you believe it, you can do it.”
“FInd your happy place.”
Though we still want the affirmation and acceptance of others, feelings now trump everything. Feelings drive how I understand myself and the ethics I use to make decisions about right and wrong. If it feels good, it must be right for me. And if it is right for me, you must applaud me for it.
This confusion over the basis of identity has raised many questions for mothers. What does it mean to be a mother? Is it only a role I play? Is it a part or all of who or what I am? What happened to the me that was me before I was a mother? Am I good at it? Will I find fulfillment in it? Is this why I am significant?
Let’s acknowledge, as a painted sigh in a gift store will tell us, Motherhood changes everything.
There is a remarkable change, a significant shift, that happens when a woman becomes a mother, a life-bearer. It is a common grace of God that mothers love their babies. There is a depth of joy that is only known in the self-giving in which a mother participates daily. There is promised fruitfulness when a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies. And there are hundreds of little ways mothers die daily. Being a mom is an incredible privilege and responsibility. It is a high calling. It is a calling to fiercely serve my children with all the strength that God provides pointing them to his word, his ways, and his will. As a christian and mother, mothering my children is one of the ways I serve God. But what was meant as a gift and an avenue of service becomes the place many cling to to find meaning and value.
We change our calling into our identity.
A calling is what God has given me to be busy about at this point in my life. It is what I do. My identity is tied to my creator. It is who I am. How I feel about what I do or who I am is often more dependent on my circumstances or the substance of what I am being taught than on truth.
Moms born and raised and now raising children in this third era are, at every stage of their child’s life, set up for identity crises that are usually associated with confusing identity with calling and then wrapping it all up in the need for some kind of emotional validation. Because God places a high value on the raising of children, the church has often unintentionally and mistakenly contributed to the confusion between calling and identity.
It may not last long, but even our culture has encouraged a mother to find her identity in that role. At least once a year since 1931 our American culture, and many around the world, celebrate mothers with breakfasts in bed or expensive brunches, flowers, candy and often sentimental silliness. It seems that the “mother identity” the world applauds is a “successful mother” - successful on their terms, whatever is the whim of the day. The children of a successful 21st century mom excel in academics, sports, and extracurricular activities, and of course, self-actualization. They make a lot of money. They make their mother proud and happy. Having one's identity wrapped in the success or failure of their children is a burden many mothers are weighed down by. Harder still is the identity the world pushes of “mother plus.” This mother does not “lose herself” in her children. She is a mother plus an ambitious career woman. A mother plus social media influencer. She’s a mother plus an entrepreneur. She’s a mother plus a fashion expert. A mother plus a fit and trim athlete.
This harmful encouragement to find one's identity, one's significance, in motherhood is even now being undermined by the onslaught of self worth messages that tell us to find our identity not in how well we do the work of mothering but in how good our performance or our children make us feel. We gauge our value by how much we are applauded or by how much our children like us. The calling we have changed into an identity becomes a demand for happiness. We have exchanged our God-given calling to be a “steward of God’s gifts” with the identity of “always loved-by-all mother.”
How do we know when we have slipped into this false identity? One way is to pay attention to how you respond to your children’s evaluation of you. As your children grow into adults, there will naturally be conversations and discussions of past family history. I am often shocked by the way a child will remember or interpret an event that occurred while he was growing up. It is much like the story of the six blind men who each encounter an elephant but from different perspectives. One finds its tail and is convinced an elephant is similar to a rope. Another finds its ear and argues an elephant is like a giant fan. Sometimes my children’s recollections are that varied. Sometimes it is funny. Sometimes it hurts.
It hurts when I am the brunt of a joke that threatens to crumble an identity I cling to. For example, I was proud to be the “frugal mom.” I raised six kids on a pastor’s salary. I watched my nickels and dimes. I shopped the sales and shopped at thrift stores. So when I found a pair of jeans- barely worn in the boy’s section of our local thrift store- I grabbed them up for the appropriate son. Boy’s jeans are never barely worn! That should have been a clue. My son was horrified the first time he wore them in public and someone pointed out they were girl’s jeans. He has long since gotten over the humiliation. I have not. The kids know this story is still not funny to me. Which reminds me that God still has work to do in my heart regarding where I find my value and significance. We are always growing in grace.
Learning to laugh at oneself, and learning when it is appropriate to laugh at oneself, is a gift of maturing. Because our identities are wrapped up in ourselves, we take ourselves much too seriously. We get embarrassed when our failure to meet our own standards is made public. Proud people can not laugh at themselves. Laughing with your adult children about your missteps and faults is not easy. I’ve already told you we don’t talk about thrift store jeans. We need to put a megaphone to the voice of the gospel to help silence the voice of shame. We need to listen to God’s evaluation of us, not ours nor our children’s.
For our good and the good of our children.
The gospel teaches us that our problem is not that we did not meet our standards or those of the world. We did not measure up to God’s. Knowing that we have been loved by The One we have utterly failed to impress, frees us to stop trying to impress others. Great gospel preachers have also been great humorists. Martin Luther had an ongoing sense of humor because he believed, “The Gospel is nothing less than laughter and joy.” He taught that, “It is pleasing to the dear God whenever thou rejoicest or laughest from the bottom of thy heart.” It was reported that Charles Spurgoen was full of humor in and out of the pulpit. When confronted with the possible impropriety of his jokes, he said, “He would not blame me if he only knew how many of them I keep back.”
Another sure way to tell that you have adopted a false identity is when you believe that you are the only one who can care for your children. Mothers can overrate their role to the point that we feel we are indispensable. So it quickly follows that we can’t let go. We don’t want any changes to our life as a mother because we feel like it would be a death to who we are. We can’t let our adult children live their lives without our interrupting and trying to be a part of it. We pout if they don’t tell us details about their lives. We complain if they don’t ask for our opinions. We manipulatively pressure them into spending time with us. We have ways to make them feel bad if we feel bad.
A false identity will lead to an identity crisis. Without warning, lives do change and difficult times do come. We will not feel successful or appreciated. We question our purpose, value and meaning. We feel lost and don’t know what to do anymore. We feel like life, even our very self, is unraveling. We feel like no one understands us and we have no hope of getting out of the mess we’re in. It is very common to hear an empty nester say, “I don’t even know who I am any more.”
Dear mom of children who are leaving home, not knowing who you are any more is a good thing if it forces you to look away from yourself to your Creator. Your identity is who he made you to be, not what he made you to do. You were created. You are a creation. Your creator is God Almighty. The Great Designer, Grand Architect, Magnificent Artist designed, formed and created you. You can not create your identity. It was given to you.This changes everything. More important than knowing, “Who am I?” is knowing, “Whose am I?” This is the beginning of where you find meaning and value. You belong. You belong to a faithful savor. Who loves you and gave his life for you. Who watches over you, cares for you, prays for you and orchestrates everything that happens to you. For your good. Who gives you His spirit to change you into the person you were always meant to be. You are a child of God. That is your identity. That is where you will find purpose and meaning and value. Here is an identity that lifts your eyes away from your pitiful self to glory! Here is a foundation that is not dependent on my performance or the success of my children. Here is an anchor that holds when life is difficult and confusing. Here is a ballast that does not sway when my children disappoint me or are angry with me.
This identity is greater than your calling as a mother. It is a greater endeavor, passion, ambition, or dream you could invent or envision on your own. It gives meaning to all the details of life now and forever. It provides you a purpose that will not lead to insecurity and anxiety and burdens. It imparts a value that will not change as you or your children grow older nor change when your children leave home. And with that strong identity, you can embrace your calling as a mother as a calling and not a means to your happiness and fulfillment.
Thoughts to Ponder
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 2 Cor. 3:18
Why is “following the crowd” easier than personal transformation?
In what ways has the world’s ideas of identity affected you? How does it show in your relationship with your children?
How can we transform the way we think about our identity?
“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” Prov. 31:28
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Gal. 1:10
How do you know if a desire for your children’s appreciation has become a sinful motivation for you?
“Bring . . . . everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” Isa. 43:7,8
“As each one has received a gift, use it to serve one another . . . . whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever, Amen. 1 Peter 4:10,11
Why did God make you?
How can you glorify God in your calling as a mother?
“For my grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Eph. 2:10
What is the relationship between good works and the grace of God? How does boasting betray a false identity?
What are some of the good works that God has set in your path for you to walk in?
A Mother’s Prayer
My Creator, my Master, my All -
“You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. . . Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.” (Ps. 139:13, 16). You also chose me to be your child “before the foundation of the world, that [I] should be holy and blameless before [you]. (Eph 1:4). The future you have prepared for me is better than I can imagine. (1 Cor. 2:9; 1 John 3:2). I am loved. From eternity past to eternity future, I am yours.
You also created this child and called me to be his mother. I remember the day I first held him. A baby did change everything. I felt unprepared. The world felt large and scary. I grew in confidence as he grew physically. I was stronger than I ever believed I could be. Someone needed me. It felt good to be needed. Somewhere along the way I began to view myself as super mom - indispensable to my children. Being a mother - a good mother, a mother deserving of their praise - cast a shadow over everything I did. My sense of importance developed into a demand for praise. I began to judge my well being on the response of my children to me. I stopped serving you by serving my children and began to serve my children in order to receive from them the significance and security I crave.
Forgive me Lord.
I long to live contentedly as your child, finding meaning to my life by joyfully acting out my role as you have directed - eating and drinking, working and playing, learning and loving, expecting any day to meet you - The Gracious Author of the Script.
“Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. . . . Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. . . . Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. (Ps. 51:6, 10, 12).
As your child, chosen and loved,
“I offer up today all that I am, all that I have, all that I do, and all that I suffer,
to be Yours today and Yours forever.
Give me grace, Lord, to do all that I know of Your holy will.
Purify my heart, sanctify my thinking, correct my desires.
Teach me, in all of today’s work and trouble and joy,
to respond with honest praise, simple trust, and instant obedience,
that my life may be in truth a living sacrifice,
by the power of Your Holy Spirit
and in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ, my Master and my all.” (E. Elliot)