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If you have been to a Pour Out Your Heart Prayer Journal Workshop, you have heard me explain why my journal is the first thing I would grab if my house was on fire. One of those reasons is because it has been the spiritual training ground for effective and fruitful growth in grace for me.
The last section in Prayers- Prayers for Myself - has become a history of the Lord’s sanctifying work in my heart. This is where I go when I see ugly, deeply entwined, sin in my heart and know I need to talk to God about it.
He has proved himself faithful over so many years that I know He is all I need. So I talk to him. Compassionate. Gentle. Wise. Merciful. Never in a hurry. He desires my growth in godliness more than I do.
A conversation may go something like this:
“You saw what I did, heard what I said, and know what I thought. I know that in myself I can not do or say or think anything differently. But I want to. I want to be more like Jesus. Cleanse me of the sin that has entangled me by helping me see clearly both its root and its consequences.
“What is it Lord that makes me . . . . . ?
What false thoughts of you am I believing?
What am I holding on to that I believe I need more than you?
How is . . . . affecting those around me - how is it an affront to you?”
I know that He who began a good work in me will complete it. So I am not desperate for an immediate answer. I jot the situation on a sticky note in my journal -
“Anxiety about . . . . “
“Harsh words to . . . . ”
“Anger about . . . . “
"Hurt pride because of . . ."
- and leave it there until the Lord gives me time and insight to think deeply about it.
Elizabeth Elliot said:
“Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all. . . . but the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.”
It no longer amazes me that along the way God often brings a verse, article, or sermon to my attention that speaks to my need. Eventually I get to a place where I can write a 1-3 sentence confession and prayer for help.
I could have learned this from Asaph.
In Psalm 73, he describes going through a similar process.
In verses 2-14 he states his problem. He is struggling with the appearance of the wicked getting off easy and the poor getting abused. He is envious of the wicked’s prosperity and angry at injustice. He feels like he’s been good “in vain.” (v. 13)
He knows that he can’t talk to anyone else about this. (v. 15). He grew weary of trying to figure it out for himself. (v. 16)
Then he talked to God about it. (v.17)
He meditated on eternity and Truth was brought into focus. He saw the truth about wicked men. (v. 18-20) The truth about where his questions came from. (v. 22,22) and the truth about his position (v. 23,24) This perspective changed everything.
He began by saying, “But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled.” (v. 2). He ends with, “But as for me it is good to be near God.” (v. 28)
Prayers for Myself keeps me near to God. For my good. “The Lord God is my refuge and I will tell of all His works.” (v.28)
So let me tell you about a recent answer to a sticky note prayer.
Perhaps it has something to do with being a second born, but from childhood I have struggled with being a people pleaser. There’s nothing wrong with wanting people to be happy and doing what you can to bring this to pass. There is something wrong when your focus becomes not what you can do for them, but what you want to receive from them. The relationship becomes transactional. I flatter you. You give me approval. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a good name (Prov. 22:1). There is something wrong when your willing to sacrifice truth for that good name because your focus is on getting praise and rather than giving God praise.
Many years ago, I added this struggle to a sticky note. “Lord, please free me from the concern of what others think of me!” I read good books. I heard great sermons and podcasts. Still I would find myself preoccupied with myself and often had to confess to “bending the truth” so I would look better. I kept praying.
This last year God put me in a situation where someone was quite unkind to me. It sent me into a fuzzy headed cycle of thoughts. Most of what I verbalized to my husband was my concern about what I could do to get this person to think well of me. He was astonished. Faberblasted. In his mind, my concern should have been asking the Lord to help me forgive this person - not flatter them! And by the grace of God, I finally saw the foolishness of people pleasing. It allows mere humans to enslave us to their opinions. I have a good and rightful master. Why was I serving a false one?
I kept thinking of the phrase from Col 3:24, “You are serving the Lord Christ.”
So off to study that context and some related verses.
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. Col 3:23-24
You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men. 1 Cor. 7:23
. . . but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts. I Thes. 2:4
John Bunyan said,
“The truths that I know best I have learned on my knees. I never know a thing well,
till it is burned into my heart by prayer.”
So as is my practice, I tried to put into a prayer what I believed the Lord was teaching me.
Here is what I eventually copied into my journal.
Thank you for showing me that slavery to the opinions of others is dangerous and foolish. People pleasers are often sinfully duplicitous in their attempt to make sure that others think well of them, short-sightedly expecting these finite, fallible people’s approval to be something of lasting value. Forgive me of these wrongs.
No one can serve two masters.
I want You, the Lord of lords, to be my one true Master. No other master gave His life for His servant. No other master could be so wise and kind. No other master calls me His child and His friend.
Continue to purify my heart so that my words and actions are only motivated by my love for you. It is only you I long to please. It is your “Well done” I long to hear.